My usually fucked up life...
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2004-06-13 19:31:18 (UTC)

My Life.....

My Life
June 13, 2004

I was always told that life was full of ups and downs.
I for years didn’t understand why my life though seemed full
of downs with no ups until I got out of high school. I’m not
going to say now that I’m 28 that my life has turned around
completely and is perfect because it isn’t. For years, I
used to wonder if there is such a thing as God and if he is
so “almighty” and good as everyone claims why was my life
always so screwed up from the moment I was born. I
eventually gave up on even believing in God. I couldn’t
understand how or why my life could go the way it was if he
controlled everything.
For years I thought that the reason my father drank was
because of my disability. I felt as if I was nothing but a
problem and things might have been better if I hadn’t
actually ever been born. I could never understand why
society looked down on me just because of my disability.
I wondered if I could ever find love in my life. I thought I
had it made several times and every time it seemed to blow
up in my face eventually. I still feel that way and make the
same stupid mistakes time and again it seems. What I
couldn’t see though, was that I didn’t have to look far to
find love. I had it from the start from my family. I really
have no idea what I would do without my mother and my sister
in my life. I am not one to express emotions and feelings
verbally to often but if I could, I would tell them that
they are and always will be literally the most important
people in my life. My mother has been there and supported me
in everything in my life even when she didn’t want to be and
didn’t want to support my ideas because they didn’t fit in
with her ideas of how she thought my life should go or her
beliefs. And where do I even begin when talking about my
sister. If it wasn’t for her and her support and belief in
my abilities, I may have given up on life a long time ago.
As a matter of fact, if it weren’t for my sister, I would
probably not even be alive right now. My sister has
literally saved my life more than once whether she knows and
believes it or not. I have had multiple times in my life
that I would have killed myself but I know that I could
never physically inflict pain to myself intentionally. I
believe that that reason and my love for my family are the
reasons I am still on this planet no matter if things were
good or bad at any current time. For that, I can’t even
begin to express how much I love them both.
For a large portion of my life, I always thought that
I’d be forced to live with them forever because I didn’t
feel I was worthy of having a relationship. I have had
several in a short period of 7 years and I may not have had
very good relationship choices but my family has always been
there. My parents and my sister at the very least have been
there if nothing more. They may not have always approved or
even liked the one that I was with but they always at least
pretended that they did because they knew it was what I
wanted. And if nothing more than for that alone, I love them
even more.
My current relationship is basically in ruins right
now. I don’t know if I can even trust her ever again but at
the same time I know that I still love her and want her in
my life even if it is only as a friend. I just wish I had
some way that I could get her to accept that but she has
been through so much as well that she feels she doesn’t
deserve to be loved and she actually does. I just can’t get
her to understand that obviously my family is not one to
physically show love or speak about it often but it is
something that is just known and understood as are my
feelings for her so that is just not something I can do
easily or that I even realize I’m not doing obviously. She
feels that I don’t love her just because I don’t say or show
it and that’s not true. But, because of that, she felt it
necessary to go elsewhere to get what she thought she
needed. And then she gets mad when I have something
happening concerning someone online. The part that hurts is
that I actually trusted and believed that it wouldn’t happen
in my life again but obviously she actually was not the
first to ever go elsewhere and be with other people while
she was/is with me. I know that I should have learned from
the past experiences to pay more attention and not make the
same mistakes that I made but obviously I didn’t so it makes
me wonder if I can really even blame her for doing what she did.
She thinks that I hate her family and that is not true
either. I just don’t agree with a lot of the ways that they
think or their beliefs. She thinks that I don’t like her
children either and that’s absolutely false as well. As a
matter of fact, I feel they are more my own children and
love them as if they are my own children even though I may
not always show or express it to them very well either and
my seem as though they are more a nuisance in my life than
anything than they are the children of their own true
father. The very idea of losing contact with her and the
children would tear me apart because of my love for her and
the children. I just have days and times in my life that I
need privacy and to be alone still and with a relationship
and children, that is not always an option. I just pray that
if she and I do split ways that she will not take away all
contact as friends if nothing more although I know that it
will be hard to do with all that we have been through and
that she will not forbid contact with the children.
I moved halfway across the country for them away from
everything I knew and I know that my best friend and she all
but basically hate one another. Both of those situations
became obviously major issues in our relationship as well
but they are not issues that can be resolved and still be in
the relationship without losing something in the end even if
it is the best friend.
I know that she can’t afford to live without me,
especially if she gets full/majority custody of her children
as both she and I hope she will, even though she says that
she’s not in the relationship for the money as it is a major
issue of our fighting. I am afraid to leave the relationship
for fear that I will lose her totally in my life and I have
had and lost so much that I don’t think I could handle
another loss, especially as important as she still is. I
know that I’ll never be able to afford to get married as she
and I originally wanted to do and that makes me feel even
less of a man although I know that there is no way I can
remedy that situation.
And now back to my father. He and I never really seemed
to see eye to eye on things. As a matter of fact, there were
times that he and I were not even speaking to each other
because of his drinking. Now that he has stopped drinking,
mostly from the fact that it stops his pain pills from
working they say at least, I can actually see that there is
love there as well between him and I. I can’t say that it is
as strong as the love between my mother and I or even my
sister and I but it is there. That is something that I never
thought would exist to any extent of being known. I can tell
that even though he’ll never say it he knows that he loves
me and I love him and that there have been problems but they
seem to not matter as much as they did in my life in the
past anymore. I can not just instantly forgive or forget all
that I went through in the past but I am doing what I can to
try to just move on or at the very least, without bringing
up issues again and possibly causing even more problems, let
bygones be bygones. I obviously have a lot of issues in my
life that I may never get past or be able to accept fully. I
can’t even believe or understand for that matter why I am
typing this at this juncture in my life but it is something
I feel I need to get out of my system and that is long
overdue. It is 2 a.m. and I can’t think straight anymore
right now so I am going to leave this here. I just hope and
pray that if anyone manages to read this and knows the roles
they play in it that they can understand my current
seemingly rambling and that they can at least attempt to
accept my feelings and understand why I have the ones that I
have right now. I hope that I do not cause too many tears be
they of joy and love or pain of the knowledge they have
gained from reading this entry. I know that the only person
though that knows of this at the moment in the first place
is the one in my relationship so if any will read it, it
will most likely only be her unless I decide to get brave
and allow others to know about it. Again, if I cause tears
of love or pain from this, I am sorry and I hope that I can
be forgiven. I have a feeling this may be the first of many
entries to come though as I grow and hopefully accept and
even get past more of the issues of my life. I just hope
that future entries are not of this extreme and can be of
happier issues than this all obviously was. But, as I said
earlier, I obviously had a lot that I needed to get out of
my system and off my mind. I was growing to the point of at
times making myself physically ill from stress and worry of
things that I could and in some cases could not control.