forever 17

silent wishes
Ad 2:
2004-06-13 10:21:35 (UTC)

back to the future

::sighs:: i was at my grandma's yesterday, er, friday, at
5:38 in the morning, i think this qualifies as sunday. i've
spent the last...oh, about 4-5 hours reading old
conversations and they made me was good, and it
still is. but i've digressed. as i was saying, friday
evening i was at my grandma's and i was looking through an
old photo album and found a piture of my brother hold me
when i was about...a little over a year old. my god he
looks so happy...i want so bad to go back in time and tell
him everything that'll happen...that he should've stayed
with Norica for as long as possible, married Mandy and this
wouldn't have happened. he came over friday, to see grandma
for a little bit, he only stayed about an hour, and didnt
say hardly breaks my heart so to see him
suffer. all i can think about is how happy he was the 1st
time he came back from Japan, with this beautiful girl on
his arm. momma and grandma were so pleased with what he'd
done with himself. i remember the day he left for basic
training. funny, i was only a little over 2 years old, but
i remember it all vividly. i was standing in the kitchen in
a little white dress and bare-footed, and watched as he was
standing in the door to his room at my grandma's. he had
his head shaved, his hair was so short at 1st i thought he
was bald (he used to have the most gorgeous slightly
shaggy, sandy blonde hair...)had on camo pants and an olive
drab green t-shirt and a duffle bag slug over one shoulder,
his shot gun, all black and oiled so it wouldnt rust, on
the other, and those black boots so damn shinny you could
see yourself in them. then he left. and then my mind jumps
around to one day of him comming home from japan, he
brought me back the prettiest pink silk pajamas you've ever
seen. then it goes back a couple of years, to when my mom
and my grandma and me drove to north carolina to see him
graduate or whatever the hell you do once you get out of
basic training. i swear, a military base is the closest
thing, in regards to looks, that you can get to a prison.
the walls are grey, the stuffing is comming out of the old
ratty brown leather couch, the floor is concrete save a rug
in the "living room" and then the linolium floor in what
was to serve its purpose as a kitchen. i remember opening a
cabinet door to get something and the place was so run down
that the thing fell completely off and was followed by
a "chorus" of screaming voices and then it goes to a time
when he's sitting on my grandma's brick hearth, it's
summer, and he's home for awhile because he had his knees
operated on, he had biiig long, white and pink scars down
them and he looked tired. i went to touch one and he looked
at me and asked quietly to "please, dont touch them, they
hurt so bad" the only reason i remember this is because my
brother never has been one to speak softly when he wanted
something done. or at any time for that matter. (damn his
knees, if they hadnt been all fucked up he would have never
met melanie and he wouldnt be in this mess.
nghomewrecker.) and then i remember the night he came home
for good. i was...8 i believe, no i couldnt have been 8, he
served for 8 years, i was 10. it was october, a couple of
weeks before Halloween. i had stayed at my grandma's that
day while momma work and he had called at some point saying
that he was comming home, but gave no specific date. it was
about 10:45 that night when momma finally came and picked
me up, and just as we had turned from my grandma's
driveway, we met a u-haul truck. momma drove to the bottom
of the hill, said "I bet you that's brother. I bet you
that's Tony." and we turned around and drove back to
grandma's and talked forever. then i remember the time he
showed up on my grandma's porch in the middle of the night,
holding a 3 month old baby, appologizing, saying that they
had no babysitter and were moving and had no one to take
care of the baby. i lived at my grandma's for next few
weeks with my mom, so we could help take care of my baby
neice. and then it all just kinda fades away, differnt
memories come and go, but most are just filled with loud
noises and yelling and battles over money and then there's
the ones where melanie comes and lives in my grandmother's
house, with her whole drug-dealin' pot-smokin' trailor-park
trash epitomy of jerry sringer "family", my brother, and 2
babies. have her big ass proped up on my grandma's white
sheets, sleepin' in the bed til 1 in the afternoon, staying
in the bathroom for the next 2 hours while she put on this
HIDEOUS bright, blood red lipstick and chalk-white face
powder. then went out til all hours of the night, drinking
and fucking whatever came her way. while her 2 babies were
there with us, while the babysitter from north carolina
took care of them so my brother could sleep some. oh how i
wish he'd have married Mandy...

i wish i could go back, and tell him all of that, let him
know what'll happen, change something. and then come back
to the future...

forever 17