Life Is A Series Of Questions
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2004-06-13 08:09:49 (UTC)

4 AM Sunday Morning

Yes, it's 4 AM. Yes I'm still awake. Jason has long since
gone to bed and I'm still here staring blanky at a
computer screen which reveals a lifeless metboard. I have
never been so bored. My contacts are burning right out of
my head.
I don't know about this thing with Jason. It's so unusual.
An internet dating experience with no touching and rarely
hearing each others voice and when we do get to talk on
the phone, we're always interrupted by the click of my
cell phone disconnecting. It's as if the odds are against
us. No one would understand. Our families will laugh it
off or lock us away in some looney bin for saying "hey I
have an online lover". Not since Roger did I feel this
Roger was a whole different story. he was disinterested in
me and that's what made me want him more. the fact that my
sexual nature did not flare his own desires. He was
content with video games and his study. A nerd, yes, but
funny as shit and I felt so close to him even tho he was
so far away. It wasn't like Jason where there was love. it
was so much rejection that i got addicted to it until it
self destructed and I said "fuck you" and ran away. Now
it's hard to even strike up a conversation with him
without thinking "damn. I was a bitch." I mean it wasn't
his fault that he wasn't satisfying my cravings. I needed
a vibrator or something. Not him saying "oh baby I need
you" He was never going to say it anyways.
4:03... It really is too late for me to be up. Only the
kids from other countries are up on the messageboard,
because to them it's about 8 or 9 in the morning. I have
to mow the lawn tomorrow, so I can't sleep in. I'm going
to be exhausted.
My mother is competing with me, my father says. She's
trying to be the prettier, smarter, luckier one. I never
saw it before he pointed it out. All I can say to that
is "Dad loves me, mom. Dad will always love me and he
hates you. He wishes he didn't have to see you or talk to
you. He wishes he never married you. He says the only
thing good that came out of the marriage was his two
children and you went out of your way to fuck that up for
him too by treating us like shit and making us mental.
There's no competition. The love of your life would rather
spend his day with me than 2 minutes with you" But I won't
say a damn word. I'll just let her ramble on about how
great she is and how much dad really loves her and how he
misses her and all that bullshit. God I'm sick of her
4:07...prodigy on my cd player. Dog asleep on the floor.
Had my cigarettes for the day. Too cold to go back out for
another one. Besides I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and
to turn on all those outside lights.
Guess I'll go to sleep. I'll have a nightmare about the
devil or something and end up keeping myself awake until
dad comes to wake me up for work. I'm so strange...If only
I was normal