polyester bride

The Blue of my Oblivion
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Ezoic
2004-06-12 16:55:06 (UTC)

streams of consciousness

I miss Mrs. O, I only had her for one semester, just like
everyone else, but still she appreciated my writing and she
was so funny. Not a lot of people thought she was that
great, but she was going to turn us into wonderful writers.
And I was ready for that. She had a thick southern accent,
annoying in most cases, but it only gave her more
personality. And the way she would X us out, and mentally
wring our necks. I used to love my class, I was so excited
to get into that tiny room and read a new story or write
another essay. I loved it how I knew I'd written something
wonderful when that old lady smile would creep across her
face. She had a folder full of my papers on her desk. She
was going to work with me, get me published. She knew me so
well, talking about Greenwich, how perfect a living place
it would be for me. She knew my passions, understood them,
and made me strive to become a better writer. And then she
was gone. Like dust in a windstorm, she just left, and was
replaced by Milty. Gross. I hated that great beast of a
woman. The only thing louder than her actual voice was her
lipstick. She screamed so much, her shill voice cutting
into my brain like a thousand knives, and when she was in
her serious mood she tried to appeal to our generation by
speaking white girl ebonics. Jason and I took great delight
in reenacting her infamous fits. "You! Your mother's next!"
in that heavy Ms. Milton tone I hated so so much. She
didn't teach us a damn thing. We read all class. And that's
fine, I mean I love to read, I read far less in quantity
than most of the students because I took on thick books,
rich with literature and dangerous vocabulary. I suppose in
some way that helped me to write, but all we DID was READ!
If we had done something else besides read and listen to
her read us stories and put on a British accent.

I don't know. I tried to give Milty a chance, and she
blew it with me. When she met my parents she told them she
loved my writing and they talked about how pretty I am
(ugh...) and how talented I am (ugh...) and how I can do
anything I want in life (ha!)because I'm smart (double ha!)
But that voice just drove me to insanity. Her rules were
absurd. But ya know what? I had an A the whole year in the
class, I read some good books, and wrote some pretty damn
good essays - granted I left them all in a folder on my art
teacher's desk on accident.

I miss art too. As much as I hated it, there were some
pretty okay times. And I managed to create one good piece
of art. That reminds me that I still have to finish the
painting I was struggling with for my last few weeks. I
wish I had glaze, though. I'll have to go check out co-op.

My photography class starts soon, and I'm getting really
excited, but nervous. There's my fear of new people, but
also my fear of being in a class where no one else takes it
seriously. But before that I'll be kickin back in Gulf
Shores with Tubesock and Co. and that's going to be so
awesome. I need this break. I need to be away from home,
from the chaos, from the ABSOLUTE FILTH I swim in every
day. And then when I get back I'll be able to go in and do
something I love.

I need pants. I am very cold in these shorts. And very
white. Socks would be good too. I don't really like feet
very much. They're sort of ugly, and very dirty. I hate
germs more than I hate war. And I hate war a lot. I carry
hand sanitizer with me wherever I go, and I refuse to touch
rails, etc. People are gross and do unholy things with
their hands then go out and touch stuff. Gross.

Those ^ are my streams of consciousness for today. :)

I think, emphasis on think, that I am actually over ths
breakup. Knock on wood. Of course I always think it until
something happens and then I get all jello-ish again. But
it hit me last night when I was sleeping I guess, I just
woke up and felt a lot better, like a weight had been
lifted from my shoulders. I know that it was going to
happen eventually, it just happened when I wasn't prepared.
We weren't happy, or we were happy, there were just a lot
of problems, and had it gone on any longer one of us would
have exploded. Boom. And it would have been a lot worse. I
have to start taking my own advice. I hate that. People
call me and message me all the time asking for advice, and
I can give them this incredibly, life altering advice but I
can't follow it because I am dumb. Oh well. I have so much
determination though. I am superhannah. I know that I can
do anything in the world, even fly, if I want to. I'm
pretty sure I've said that already, but it's one of those
things I've been raised on. I can't say it enough. And I
know those people who read this that know me and they're
all thinking no she's not over it she's just saying that,
and you're probably right. But maybe if I say it enough
I'll believe it. :) We'll see...


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Lyric for today:

Be what you wanna be
See what you came to see
Been what you wanna be
I don't like what I see

Like the coldest winter chill
Heaven Beside you...Hell within
Like the coldest winter chill
Heaven beside you...Hell within
Like the coldest winter chill
Put Heaven beside you
Hell within
And you think you have it still, Heaven inside you

So there's problems in your life
That's fucked up
And I'm not blind
I'm just see-through
Faded
Super jaded
And out of my mind

Do what you wanna do
Go out and seek your truth
When I'm down and blue
Rather be me than you

Like the coldest winter chill
Heaven Beside you...Hell within
Like the coldest winter chill
Heaven Beside you...Hell within
Like the coldest winter chill
Heaven Beside you...Hell within
And you wish you had it still, Heaven inside you

So there's problems in your life
That's fucked up
But you're not blind
You're just see-through
Faded
Overrated
And out of your mind

Like the coldest winter chill
Heaven Beside you...Hell within
Like the coldest winter chill
Heaven Beside you...Hell within
Like the coldest winter chill
Heaven Beside you...Hell within
And you know you have it still, Heaven inside you

-Alice in Chains, "Heaven Beside You"
**this song is amazing, it has great vintagey harmony and a
very retro guitar riff**


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