Jack's Twisted Kingdom
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2004-06-11 12:08:35 (UTC)

dead letter dept

so, I found this letter hiding
in a folder on my hard drive. It's
been around for years, and until this
morning I'd never seen it.

I tend to save stuff on cd burn them
and then keep it as back up..

The background on this letter was, that I had
dumped kristen because I couldn't stand the
pain or agony of our dismal relationship.

about two months later, after recovering and
feeling better, happier, I think would be the
correct term, I wrote her back a series of

this one was the last, just before she decided
that mathius was the "one" for her now, and I
was just the ex boyfriend trying to get her back.

well, three months after this, I did. it lasted 7
months, and in that time she'd cheated on me at
least 4 times that I know of.

but then. I cheated on her the day after i found
out about gordon. I felt bad for using sarah
that way, but she was mad with kristen for dumping
her as a friend, so i suppose, in the end, it didn't
really matter.

I wrote this, on december 19th, 2000

I think it's rather telling of my emotional state.

I also think, I was deeply in love with a grrl
who was everything to me, and I was nothing to her
than an escape from reality.

and now.. the very dead letter...


Dear Kristen,

I know that as of late I have been writing you letters that
sound angry, I know that is not fair, I think they sound
that because for the most part I am angry. Not just at
myself or you, but at this situation, maybe I am trying to
push you away, I don't think so, I think I am just trying
let everything out, to let you know how I feel and why. I
sorry for the way I have been acting, especially since I
want and need you back so much. I feel kind of lost
sometimes, not knowing where to begin or where to end, or
what to say.
When I first saw at [email protected] with Ivan, the first
that came into my mind was how stunning you were, your eyes
were so intense, you were trying to look into my eyes, and
thought you were trying to steal my soul, not that I
I thought you were incredibly beautiful, the way you moved,
the way you talked, it was like I was being drawn into your
world and you weren't going to let go. I felt something, I
am sure it was the first pangs of love, for I had a really
intense reaction to you, I even dreamt about you later that
night, I had always thought it was weird. I had said to
Benoit that I would love to go out with you, he had argued
the point that you were dating Ivan, but I didn't care, I
need you more than I had ever wanted anyone else, ever. I
remember some thing about that time, I remember that I had
wanted to get to know you alot better, so I started to hang
around Ivan more than I did before, I wanted to be around
you. Not really knowing how to date anyone, I think I was
trying very hard to get you to notice me, but something
I really noticed was that I was also sort of cold and
sort of there, but not really, or I was too much. I so
wanted to talk to you, be with you, hold you touch you,
you feel the way I did. I would often probe ivans brain
about you, I think I did it unconsciously, I simply desried
to know everything about you, no matter how trivial the
detail, I needed to know. Sometimes I would dream of you, i
would be making love to you on some distand shore like mad
passionate raging animals. I wanted to kiss you deeply,
the passion I feel, I think I may have consumed you, the
I used to kiss you. I wanted to draw you into my arms and
look into your eyes, and give you my all. I need to do it
again, and again, and never stop feeling that way.
I know I have been sexually overbearing, I can't
seem to
supress that aspect of myself, I am very charged, I like
I want it, I need it and I desire it from only you. I never
felt that way about anyone. You could if you want to chalk
it up to having not been with anyone before, but I don't
think so, or else the urges I have when I am with you would
have subdued, they never have and probably never will. I am
sorry that it seems as though all I ever think of is sex,
but really it's not, if it was we would never have left the
apartment or gone out, at least thats what I believe. You
might not, but that is something about that is not going to
change, I am what I am, I can change the way I think, but I
cannot change a fundemental part of me, and as much as I
hate to say it, if I did change that part of me, you
wouldn't want me, or I would change so much that you
wouldn't know who I was anymore, because once I changed
other things about me would change. Maybe for good or ill,
really don't know, I am willing to change, but there are
some things that I won't change. I can open up and be the
person that I should be, not the person you want me to be,
but a part of the person you want me to be will be there
because that is the direction I am going in. I love you. I
love the way you sometimes even now look at me, I think
when I am in your arms you aren't going to leave them, that
you want me back, that we can move forward into the long
night and simple be.
I remeber the way we used to make love, we used to
do it
when ever, it didn't matter what was going on, or what we
needed to do. I would never let "reality" interfere with
time together. I sort of want that again, only I think that
this time around, life will simply be arranged around us,
we can't do that, then it shouldn't be too hard to re-
ourselves around life, though at times it may seem to be
hard or at others a bad thing I think we can work things
out. I remember when we talk into the night and then fall
asleep in each others arms, although at times it would seem
that I would roll over and turn my back to you, I never
that it had anything to do with you, or that I didn't want
to be with you, quite the opposite. I always thought it was
rather unbearable of that fact that just because I was
uncomfortable in the way I slept that I couldn't hold you
tight to me with my arms wrapped around you and your arms
wrapped around mine. My own peculiar ways seem to have made
you think that I didn't desire you, well that couldn't be
further from the truth, I suppose I never really gave you
any reason to believe otherwise, that is a mistake that I
would rectify. I love you very much, you always were around
when I vented about what ever it was that seemed to be
bothering me at the time, and it never seemed to bother
I always appreciated that. You wouldn't give me any
un-necessary, "well, you could...." I always like that, it
was nice, I enjoyed your opinions on things when I seemed
be locked in a battle of indecission, or of something that
just couldn't make out one way or another. I like to hear
your opinions, I like to know what you are thinking, and
why. I know it may have never seemed that way, it is very
true, I had hoped you would have noticed me asking you all
the time, that it was a sign that I wanted and needed that
from you.
Perhaps things would have been better if I had
known how to
comunicate with you. I wished that I could have expressed
the joy that I took in your presence when I did things, I
know I dragged you all over hells half acre, I really did
mean to ask you at times if you had even wanted to, but I
guess that I was so wrapped up in things that while I was
eager to do things, and wanted you to do them with me, that
I just forgot to ask you, or there were times when I did
and you said sure. I thought that you enjoyed coming and
doing things with me even though I made you nuts once in
You really do have a unique look on life, mine,
yours, and
other poeples. I like it, though sometimes I would never
things. I know I don't always say thankyou, or anything
that, it's bad of me to do, I try not to do that but it
seems as though I can't help it sometimes. I just assume
that poeple know thats how I feel, because of whatever, I
don't know, i get annoyed when poeple don't know what I
mean, I simply expect them too. I think thats why sometimes
poeple think that I am cold and aloof, and that I think I
know everything, I expect poeple to know these things
already, at some points I have this really nasty habit of
making poeple think that I think they are stupid. I really
don't, if I did, I wouldn't be around them, it's just that
think in very finite, linear ways. I really don't think you
are stupid, I don't repeat things because you don't know
anything, I think I do it to make sure that things are
clear, concise if you will, so that mistakes or
misunderstandings occure. But maybe thats the whole
because I do make mistakes, once a day I make one, perhaps
more if I don't pay attention to things. I know I didn't
as much attention to your needs as I should have, there
many, some I overlooked, some I thought that you should or
could take care of yourself without me, or without my imput
or without me getting in the way. I do get in the way,
sometimes I take myself out of things that I shouldn't or
not throwing myself into them when I was needed.
You are bright, resourseful, kind, sensitive,
loveable, hugable, kissable and beautiful. I love most if
not all things about you, some things I may not like, but
thats life we aren't perfect, but you wouldn't be you if
were. I don't want a perfect person, or someone "just like
me" because that would be boring and terribly un
interesting, I wouldn't want that, I haven't tried to
you, you have changed on your own, you are a different
person than from when I first met you, or when we first
started to go out together. We can't be everything, i want
to be with you, but I don't want things to go back to the
way they were and if we accept the things in each other
maybe we don't like as long as there are real fundemental
things that we love about one another than we can make this
work. I believe that I can change, I have changed, although
it is a slow process, I know I need to change, I will open
up to you, and I will share everything with you and love
in the way you need me to and want me to. I know that I may
sound like a broken record, but I admit that I have been
blind and that I have made mistakes, we both have made
mistakes, by allowing the fighting to go on for so long and
for not talking like we are now for some strange reason. I
am not going to suddenly shut down and become the listless
little thing that I was, as long as we are both really
honest with each other things will work out and we will be
very happy with each other.We both have our needs and not
being afraid of speaking them out because we might hurt the
other person or that we might have expectations that might
be unreasonable is what we have to hurdle. I have needs,
have your needs, we can live with them, we can both be
of them without making sacrifices.
What I ultimatly want is what you want, and need.
You have
shared alot with me, but I have always believed that there
was more to you than I was seeing. Maybe I was blind, or
paying as much attention to you as I needed to, but I
to. I think I was so wrapped up in my own internal
and problems, that while I shared them with you, I didn't
know how much I could really trust you. I know that I
have trusted you more, I think it was just a matter of time
before I realized it, but things in thier untimeliness
worked against me. You can help me change that. you are
I need, more than ever, you have strength of character that
I do not possess much of, you are a better person than I. I
like that you can give me your opinion, and that even
I may not want to hear it, there you are, telling me the
things I need to hear, whether I want to or not. You I
can sense things in me better than I can, I suppose that
simply been always true of others.
I love you, you are the best thing that has ever
to me, I am so sorry things got as bad as they did, it
should never have happened. You give me courage when I am
afraid to move forward, you give me wisdom when I don't
the right way to do something, you give me love when before
there has been a void. You simply give to me when no one
else will or would. I think I tried to hard to do the same
for you, and I ended up pushing you away when I was trying
to help, but what you needed was simply me resting you head
on my shoulders and an outlet to cry. I want to give you
that again, I want you to feel safe in my arms, I have
always felt safe in yours and that nothing could ever go
wrong. I doubted that once, and I made the most horrible
mistake I have ever made in my life. I let you go, I would
if you would let me make that right, I would make you
more than you have been before.
What I have been asking for is not just
forgiveness or for
you to love me again, I am asking you to understand me,
trust me and take me again for the first time. Perhaps in
time you will see that I am the person you want to be with,
I know now, more than ever that I want you forever, I will
not leave you, I will not anything get in the way of us
being together as a loving couple.
I know that right now you think I am treating like
a toy,
but that is not so, I am not, I don't want to nor have I
ever. I care very deeply for you, more than you know right
now, but soon I hope you will know the depths of my
and my heart go beyond words. I have much to make up for, I
have made mistakes, I find it wondeful, and miraculus that
you are willing to think about taking me back after the way
I have treated you. I want you to understand that I never
wanted to hurt you, it was the last thing on my mind. You
have, and you will always be the light of my life, the moon
in my darkness and the bright sun of my day. Your smile
awakens within me something devine, your laughter brightens
my day, and your tenderness melts away the ice around my
times frozen heart. I take your hand and kiss it, with all
my love I kiss thee tenderly and with an unbound passion
you that rocks my world asunder, you make me feel as though
the world were but a shadow and you the most perfect
that I worship day and night. You are my goddess and though
I put you on a pedastal, I want to take you off of it and
bring into my arms the way it should have always been, and
always will be. You are my life, you are the one that makes
it all worth while, you simply are beautiful in all things,
your mind, your heart, your soul and your emotional core.
I will make love to you when you are ready, if
you ever
are, I want you know that I am yours forever, that I am not
going to leave you. I want you to take me in your arms and
hold me tight, the way I might also, and then we will be
together in all things, in all time. I have said it before,
and I quote my own email to you, this is but a fraction of
how I feel for you.

I will say it until the end of time as it echos off the
walls of your heart. I desire you, i need you, I treasure
you, you are the beatiful and radiant goddess of the
my night, and you brighten the days with your slightest
smile. You eyes will draw me in like the dew on lilacs
growing in the fields of my passion, I love you more deeply
than the oceans, more sweetly than fresh honey and more
I can even describe with mere words.

Yours til the end of eternity.....

I love you, my sweet elf....

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