Christine

Visions Of Life
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2004-06-10 17:56:14 (UTC)

Guilt

As I have stated before, my brother has been going downhill
since his mother passed away. I also believe he is smoking
alot of cocaine. He denies this, even to me, but his
actions lately are like those of an addict. So monday he
was looking for 50 dollars, even though his grandma was
supposedly sending money on tuesday. When no one would give
it to him, he started flipping out, like an addict in
withdrawal. He mentioned suicide during on conversation on
the phone. Then he told our dad that he was bleeding and
dying and wanted to say goodbye. He wouldnt answer his
phone or door after that. So Steve and I called the cops to
do a welfare check on him. They found him all cut up and
his neck looked like he tried to hang himself. He was
supposed to be on a 72 hour psyciatric hold in the
hospital, but he tried to grab the cops gun (an attempt to
have the cop kill him) and instead wound up in jail,
charged with a felony. He also missed his court appearance
for his hit and run which violated his plea bargain. He has
court for that today and Im not sure what will happen.

My dad has been trying to get Rob into a hospital instead
of jail but Im not sure if he will be successful. I found
out last night that he has attempted suicide before. That
may be why he vanished for a couple weeks. He is angry at
me for all of this. He is angry that he wasnt allowed to
die and angry that he is in jail. He can hate me all he
wants because there is no way in hell I could just let him
kill himself. He needs help badly.

I feel guilty because i didnt want him in jail charged with
a felony. Right now he isnt getting the help he needs and
the Denver jail doesnt have sympathy at all. This is
killing my dad and its my fault. I cant stop feeling
guilty, even though I did save his life. All I can do now
is wait to see what happens with the felony charge. A
crisis center is talking to the jail to try to get him into
a hospital. I think it may just depend on the judge. He is
on suicide watch now which is good.


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