Pieces of Me
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2004-06-06 06:52:48 (UTC)

Long-Winded Nothingness

Sometimes I get so caught up in my life.

I feel surrounded by it rather than in control of it.
Living completely in reality is a very hard thing for me
to deal with because, as I'm sure we're all aware...
reality sucks a lot of the time.

When I'm at my happiest, I spend most of my time
elsewhere... mentally, anyway. Most people probably don't
realize this about me, but daydreaming is my major mode of
escape from what's ACTUALLY going on around me. I depend
on the open depths of my mind for my own sanity.

However.... When my mind is just as screwed up as the rest
of my life is, things get much more difficult. When I
can't even turn myself inside out and use my mind as an
escape from reality, I feel stuck. Being totally stuck in
this life is pretty depressing as it is, but when every
thought that crosses my mind is a bad one... that's even
worse. Under those circumstances, it feels like the
current status of my existence is pretty crappy.

But I'm doing okay.

The anorexic thing isn't going so well, though...LoL. I
eat less than the average person, but I'm still eating
more than I'd like to. It's just so freaking hard with all
these darn graduation open houses all over the place! The
best points in my life for not eating are the times when I
feel the worst. When I'm not so depressed that I want to
die, I get hungry occasionally. What can ya do.... LoL.

So... graduation is tomorrow.
I'm not looking forward to it at all. I'd like to
graduate, of course. I mean, it's what I've basically been
waiting for these past 13 years.... But I wish they'd just
send me the stupid diploma in the mail and call it good. I
don't want to sit there for 90 minutes in the hot
sun/packed gym being congratulated by members of the
school board that I don't know and have never even heard
of. I personally don't really care about them, and I know
they don't really care about me either.
And what I really want to know is: Who the heck designed
those caps and gowns, anyway?! I can't imagine why any
half-normal person could have thought that those things
actually look distinguished and sophisticated. Those hats
look ridiculous, and the gowns aren't much better. Mine
looks like a shiny white polyester bag... and that is in
no way flattering. Here we are, 203 of us, on our 'special
day' trying to look mature and grown up, and they force us
to wear those idiotic outfits. Go figure....

Wow, I'm kind of long-winded, aren't I?

I actually made an attempt to write a commentary on
predictable, egotistic people who crave worthless
attention... but I couldn't get it just the way I wanted
it. Had it gone the way I had planned, it would have been
the perfect combination of personally analyzed factoids
and dry humor (funny how being exposed to Canadian english
makes me want to add a 'u' to that word). Often makes for
the most entertaining kind of literature, if you ask me.
Not that my opinion really matters. LoL.

But when the words don't come, they just don't come.

And seeing as how it's nearly 3am, the words are still
coming, but they're becoming less and less coherent. So in
order to save my few readers from obvious potential
torture, I'll just end this now.

Graduation, here I come.... I'm filled to the brim with
excitement, and I can hardly contain myself... (sarcasm,
in case you didn't catch that).