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2004-06-05 09:25:17 (UTC)

the second i saw that picture...

the second i saw that picture. all i could think was, this
bitch is lying to me.

and i feel so weird about it. like the thought has crossed
my mind a thousand times but i never believed it. and now
i still dont completely because i dont want to so bad, but
i thought i was fine, and still in the fuck it, i dont give
a fuck mode, but i got home and just fell apart. i cried
for like 6 hours, until my alarm went off and i got up and
went to work. i mean, all the shit thats gone on in my
world the last couple weeks and i finally lose it over a

we would never be happy together. that window of
opportunity has opened and closed long ago. i could have
tried harder when she was willing to, and i didnt. i was
too insecure and too confused then, and now that i know
what i want, she doesnt. isnt that how it goes.

i didnt have a great night. i was in a good mood and then
it disappeared completely and never came back. even when i
smoked, and drank, and then drank some more later, i still
just felt like driving off the bridge.

and it sucks, i was in such a good mood today, for some
reason, and i saw marcy which was awesome, and we were all
guna go out and have a good time and i sat in that fucking
restaurant feeling like i was going to explode, like all i
could think was that i wanted to go get trashed and stop
the thoughts, because its so hard, she would walk up to the
table and id think god i love this girl and then id like
see the picture in my head and think, shes probably been
fucking her this whole time, and then id look at her smile
and be like iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou-no no FUCK you i hate
you. i could never hate her. but im so angry and hurt and
it wont go away.

because it doesnt even matter if shes lying. she doesnt
want to be with me. thats the end of the story. whatever
reasons (excuses) she has. they dont matter. i love her,
id do anything for her, i want to be with her more than
anything else, and she wants to sit around with that bitch
and her new friends and get fucked up. theres not a whole
lot i can do about that. obviously.

im going to sleep before the sun comes up and makes me