polyester bride

The Blue of my Oblivion
2004-06-04 22:41:29 (UTC)

and then I remember

We got to the movie theatre an hour before the midnight
showing. We went that early to get good seats - every other
person with tickets decided to do the same thing. I was in
a group of eight people, and we were trying to find seats
together. We ended up sitting on the second row from the
front, right in the middle. I got a huge headache, the
camera never stopped moving. On the right of me was a
woman, with platinum blonde hair and annoyingly tan skin.
She was popping out of her white halter top and smelled
like my grandmother mixed with lip gloss. She was asking
all sorts of questions and I reeeeally did not feel like
sitting next to her for 2 and a half hours. To the left of
me was Chris, to the left of him was an empty seat, to the
left of the empty seat was Applex. I had to think for a
second. Annoying blonde woman or ex boyfriend? I wondered
if he would get mad at me, he told me he wanted to sit by
Tess. I looked over at Tess and she was sitting a few seats
down, next to Michelle. I figured she was going to stay
there, and no one told me otherwise, so I took the seat
inbetween Applex and Chris. I even asked, "Are you saving
this seat for someone?" and he said, "No" so I just sat
there. (He later yelled at me for taking Tess' seat...) We
didn't talk really, I talked mostly to Chris and Applex
talked mostly to Tubesock. He did ask me a few questions
about the movie, though. At one point we locked eyes, and
the room got very small. I was suffocating, and my headache
worsened. He looked so amazing in the glare of the screen.
I broke our gaze, thinking wow that was really nice, and
looked back at him. He was staring at Tess. My heartbeat
slowed and I remembered. And I knew I could never have him
again. I really want my soul to be at peace here, I want my
heart to stop feeling sick. (He just now signed on to
instant messenger, my stomache did a backflip, then he put
up an away message, "somewhere", I am sad) I miss him so
much, having him to talk to, having him call me Teddy,
saying I love you at the end of every conversation. But I
know that I can never do that with him again. Although, I
know I can do it again with someone else. And then I
remember that this is not the end! My world, though
saddened, is not ending.

I WENT TO MY LAST THERAPY SESSION TODAY! BWAHA I NEVER HAVE
TO GO BACK!

So when I got home today I just thought about stuff and how
much things are going to change in the fall when we go back
to school. I talked to Chris and Tubesock, they hate Tess.
They said they would kill Applex if he decided to ask her
out, because we all know he'll bring her places with us.
It'll be weird for me too, seeing them together. It's like
I don't want him to date a friend because that would hurt,
and I don't want him date my enemy because that would hurt
too, and I wouldn't want him to date someone we didn't know
because that would hurt. So basically, he can't date anyone
because it would hurt me! Because it's all about me. Me,
me, me. Not really. Quite the antithesis, actually. The
truth is I just want everyone to be happy. It's going to
take me a while to get back into the swing of things. I
have some things to get used to. It's like I'm being
reborn, and I'm looking at everything for the first time.
But I'm a very openminded person, and I think that's going
to help me. It's just part of growing up I guess. No one
ever said life would be a bed of roses.


Wow. This is our conversation on instant messenger from
just now:

Applex: i dont believe it
antbeear: don't believe it

Auto response from Applex: shit

antbeear: don't believe shit?
antbeear: yes i see how that's hard to believe...
antbeear: are you sure you're okay?
Applex: im not
Applex: im majorly pissed
antbeear: wanna talk about it?
Applex: no
antbeear: okay
antbeear: well
antbeear: i'm here
Applex: i believe in miracles
antbeear: that's a good song
Applex: it aint no damn song
antbeear: sorry
Applex: it's the truth

Well I was trying to let him know, as a friend, that I am
here for him whenever he needs me. And then he started
being weird...I don't know what that's all about. Well, I
finished book number three on the list and I have three
left. I have months left also but this next one is thick.
I'm gonna get started on it.

I'm spent.

------------------------------------------------------------

Quote(s) of the day:

"You are growing, and growth is change. Accept the change,
make it a part of your strength."

"...the tragic consequences of life can be overcome by the
magical strength that resides in the human heart."

-from Bless Me, Ultima by Rudolfo Anaya




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