Joy

Pieces of Me
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2004-06-03 19:28:30 (UTC)

On The Edge

Wow.

It really sucks not having anyone to talk to.

I've got enough friends, I guess.... The funny thing is
that no one really seems to care. They're great friends
when everything is good and running smoothly, but once I'm
not the happy person they know me to be.... Pfft. I might
as well be the world's greatest loner.

At times like these, it seems like the best words to
describe my condition are the profane words that I have
always preferred to eliminate from my vocabulary. I would
use them, but I'd like to avoid looking like the typical
angsty teenager. No one takes me seriously as it is, but I
guess I'd like to stay away from the stereotype at all
costs anyway.

I have recently realized that I must be a boring person,
among other negative things (try fat, ugly, uninteresting,
and complicated if boring doesn't really work for you). It
definitely seems like my 'friends' only want to hang out
with me if my other 'friends' are around... which
definitely makes me think that my friends only hang around
me for my other friends, and that my house is just a
convenient gathering place because my parents are so laid-
back.

Sometimes I think that because of the way I am (fat, ugly,
and boring), I don't really deserve to have a good
relationship with anyone. I almost feel like I am worthy
of being treated like dirt because I don't look like
anything special and don't act interesting enough to
attract any positive kind of attention. Maybe that sounds
stupid... but I really do feel that way.

No one has ever told me that I'm ugly, fat, or boring....
In fact, complete strangers have told me before that I'm
beautiful... which makes no sense to me at all. I've never
been tormented by my peers or verbally brought down by
anyone that I know (or don't know, for that matter)... but
it doesn't seem to make any difference. I hate myself.
I've always hated myself.

I'm not currently aware of anyone who has ever given
herself (or himself) an eating disorder consciously.

But I'm considering doing it.

I've got enough health education under my belt to know
that it's a really stupid idea and that it's not good for
me mentally or physically. I know what it can do to my
body. Only... I'm not sure I care.

I've been so depressed lately that I can't eat much
anyway...and when I do eat, I feel like I have to throw
up. Then I have to sit there and practically force myself
NOT to shove my fingers down my own throat. There are
plenty of times that I want to do it, but throwing up has
never been an enjoyable activity. Besides that, if I did
it once, what's to keep me from doing it again and again
and again? If I really want to give myself an eating
disorder, I'm not going to pick that one because it's long-
term effects show physically. Bad breath, rotting
teeth.... Not really for me.

But I am considering starving myself.
The funny thing is, it's not really even to lose weight.
That's part of it, of course, because I desperately want
to look good. But the biggest reason goes along with the
whole self-mutilation thing.

I haven't been depressed like this since I was 13, and
back then, I used to dig my nails into my skin and scratch
myself when I was feeling really down. Sort of like my own
version of cutting, I guess, only it wasn't really
addictive. But I definitely know from experience that
hurting yourself physically does help to relieve some of
the emotional/mental pain... at least temporarily.

That's what starving myself would be to me, only it would
be more of an ongoing thing. If I were physically
suffering, always hungry, then maybe I wouldn't think so
much about all of the bad things in my life. It's also
partially a punishment for myself, because I really don't
feel that I deserve good relationships, good attention.
I know it sounds angsty, but that's really how I feel.

This whole time that I've been depressed, I haven't cried,
which I think is kind of cool. Crying helps in the long
run, relieving inner tension and all that...but I don't
like to go through it. Instead of feeling incredibly sad,
I just feel... kind of numb. I know that I'm extremely
upset about my life in general, but the most intense
feeling I've experienced lately is anger. Rather than
crying, I just want to punch something (or someone).

This feeling will lessen eventually, like it's been doing,
but I know it will come back... just like it's been doing.

I'd like to talk to someone about everything... tell
someone all of my problems and everything about me, but
there is no such thing as a person who understands me. I
don't even understand me.
At this point, there's no such thing as a person who even
tries to understand me, and even if there is, I highly
doubt that there's such a thing as a person who tries to
understand me AND cares.


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