forever 17

silent wishes
Ad 2:
2004-06-01 07:36:49 (UTC)

full of words and no where to put them

what i have to say i have been forbidden to write or talk
about. this seems to come up a lot lately. so here it is,
after 3 in the morning and all i can do is sit and try not
to break something. which is very hard because my fist
through my mirror, the computer screen or the wall sounds
like so very appealing at the moment. sadly however, i have
exactly 1 hour and 28 minutes before i have to be back up
and dressed and out the door, and if i wake my father up at
the wee hour of 3:18, i'm fairly sure the only place i'd be
going is to the hospital with something along the lines of
a broken jaw. dont get me wrong, he hasnt hit me yet, but i
seem to possess the talent of infuriating people to extreme

i hate it i really do. this...this...feelings thing. i
liked it much better when i devoted myself to counseling
other people and making their lives better. when i did
that, all i was able to do and all i had the time to do,
was be happy and love. i couldnt feel sadness and greif,
because i had no time. it's kinda like those nurses on navy
ships, a guy comes in with 3rd degree burns almost
completely convering his body, and yet its the job of the
nurses to be happy and encouraging and tell them "hey,
y'know what, you're gonna be going home real soon. you're
doign great, you'll get to see that special girl back home
in no time." when in reality, they're so close to dying you
can smell the grim reaper's breath. i liked that better.
its like i told my friend tonight, we were talking about
how this one certain thing didnt add up to her and i
finally said "y'know, denial is a great defensive
mechanism." by denying that i had problems i was able to
help other people and make them feel better and all the
while fooling myself into believing that there was nothing
wrong. true, all this eventually catches up to me and slaps
me in the face and batters me until i can no longer stand
it. but, oh well. i realize i'm rambling...and i'm very
sorry. i desperately need somebody to talk to...

BUT there is one little glimmer of hope. theres a good
chance i'll get to see my boyfriend tomorrow. seeing as how
he's working until 10, surely i can make it by there before
he leaves. even if i dont get to spend a lot of time with
him or talk to him for very long, just being able to see
him makes things sooo much better. i love him so much...and
yay!!! i may get to see him tomorrow. whoo!!! now i'm happy

forever 17