DayDream Believer
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2004-05-31 18:14:35 (UTC)


My mother have been talking aboaut me exchange room with
Grace. My room is bigger and in the basement, Grace`s room
is next to my parents...
I understand her argumet: Im never home, Grace is, so why
not let her have the bigger room? Karolines romm is the
biggest, but she is out of this.
Grace havent said anything about the room, its not her
idea, Im not upset with her for anything. I think she dont
want to have the room next to my father, but I think she
rather have him out of the house then change the room. Me
having that room is out of the question, its not gonna
happend! He talk in his sleep, screm the whole night on,
like NO! One million times or Satan over and over agen,
when you ask him about it, he dont know anything of that..
Beside, I like to have my boyfriend here, when Im here,
and thats a nother argument..
So most likely, Im moving out. Dont miss understand, Im
not trowen out, I chose to do it.
Tommys appartment is verry small, so I cant move in there,
that leaves it to one thing: Im moving for fo self!
The though is bouth scarry and temtipng.
Im scared about our ralationship, I dont think it will
last living two seprtate pleces.
At the moment, Im only home about one nigjt in the week
and at Tommys the rest. In the summer he`s usally with me
home to my parents, like today..
But when I move for my self, I dont want to pay rent to a
place I am only staying at for less then one night in the
week, so I will probobly be at my place more than that,
and Im not sure Tommy will wisit me all that much as I
have been wisiting him.
Im afraid that it might become a problem, I`ve been at his
place for some days, I`ll go home, call him ask him,
probobly crying, to come over, and he says no. It will
break my heart, cause it does when it happens and I live

A nother thing is where shall I live? I want to live
alone, not share with strangers or friends. But where?
There are sevral places that looks temting, but my problem
is will Tommy come to wissit me a lot there?
He can only use his car in the summer, in the winter is in
a garage waiting for better days, so it will be practical
to live close, but then agen, it will break my heart
to "look over" to his plece, knowing he`s no near. If I
live to far away Im afraid he wont come over in the winter.

You might ask yourself who dont move thougether?
Tommy never brings the subject up anymore, he said he gave
up over a year ago, but I wassnt ready then!
I`ve tryed to talk to him, he like where he lives right
now, the owner of the house are verry nivce people, the
appartment, is mini-mini smal, but they says they wil
expan it. The place is verry nice looking, everything in
the appartment lookes fine and works perfectly, the rent
is low, so its not a bad place to live. But It wont room
all my clothes..

I`ve always though living for myself for a while would be
exhithing and verry good for me, and I stil belive that.
If me and Tommy are meant to be, then we have the whole
life to live together and then it would be nice to have
lived in a place thats "just mine" for a while. But I
feeel that he dossnt help or support me in this issue,
moving somewhere, probobly on my own, and I miss that, Im
afraid the relationship wont handle it. I know I will, but
Im not to sure about him.. But then agen, its better to
fined out, isnt it?
If you have read the entire diary, you will see that I
went from this secure and independent girl, to become this
unsicure and dependent-way-to-much-on-my-boyfriend girl. I
think Im much more dependent on him, than Tommy are to me,
should I release my self a bit?