poeticgem

My sometimes coherent thoughts
2004-05-31 16:33:00 (UTC)

Not sure what to do

I want to call him ... but I'm torn; between my loyalty as
a mother to my daughter and my loyalty to the man I love.
Torn because this is unlike any other blow up we've had in
all the time we've been together. The fight wasn't between
the two of us, it was between Chantelle and him. I managed
to stay on the sidelines of this one. Nevertheless, being
on the sidelines physically, means virtually nil as far
being involved at all - because no matter what, I was
involved, be it silently or otherwise.

Part of me thinks if I call then I will not be doing my job
as a mother, that I will be betraying Chantelle, because if
I talk to him about the situation that may mean he's still
willing to take care of her while I'm at work and I know
that's something she doesn't want and I guess perhaps it
may even be something I'm not too sure about either. I
mean, yesterday was pretty scary. I doubt he would ever
take his anger out on her, but after yesterday, I've lost
the ability to be 100% sure, especially in light of all the
times he's 'threatened' to beat her butt ... this time he
took it out on material objects ... I don't want to worry
about a 'next time' and I'm sure with Chantelle's animosity
towards him (even more so now!) things are not going to
change as far as Chantelle's attitude; she's stubborn like
that.

The other part of me feels that he probably thinks I'm
angry with him for what happened and that's why I'm not
calling; however that's not the case and that's where I'm
torn. I want to let him know that, though I don't feel the
way he handled his feelings was right, his feelings
themselves weren't wrong. I want him to know that even
though I don't want to take sides, he wasn't totally in the
wrong for what happened.

Unfortunately, I don't know how to go about all this and I
honestly don't know what I should do ...

I hope God will plant some fix all answer in my head
because I just don't know where else to turn now ... I'm at
a complete and total loss. First my father, now this ...




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