Another Broken Angel

GOD
2004-05-31 04:57:55 (UTC)

A Joyfully Sad Day.................

Dear Tortue,

Hey. I know I wrote yesturday and all but technically
your suppose to write everyday......so yeah. Well today I
yesturday I was at Russell's for most of the day again
thats Isaac's cuz'n and I was helping set up for a birthday
party I wasn't even really invited to I only went cuz I
knew Isaac was going to be there a little later and it
would somehow bring me closer to the whole family. Ok well
today I went to breakfast and church with geana and after
service I went to lunch at denny's with I think 3 parts of
a family...talk about confuse-ing... and well every thing
was going great and I felt like I was meant to be with that
family just the way it was today and it made me feel really
good.....but my mom had told me the day she want'ed me home
for something but I forgot to ask what all's I figured it
had something to do with alway's being gone and that my
room wasn't done but I guess she was going to ask me to
help her paint her room or something and my dad wanted me
to do the dishes which all's I've done is make dinner and
watch T.V. while waiting by the phone for Isaac to call. I
was finally done waiting about 8:45p.m. and then asked my
parents why I had come home and wasn't able to spend the
day with Isaac if they weren't going to make me do anything
and they were all well we were going to and then we just
decided to do it our self's I got so pissed but didn't say
anything I thought I would cheer myself up so I called
Isaac's place to talk to him...He always makes me feel
better....well he wasn't there and nobody answer'd the
phone at Russell's when I called over there for him
considering that's where he went after geana dropped me off
at home I got really sad after that and so I thought I
would get online and write...I miss him so much and to make
it worse he's leave-ing to go to cali. on either wednesday
or Thursday for a week and it sux cuz it means I won't get
my goodnight phone conversation and I feel I can't sleep
with out it and if he doesn't call tonight I'll probably
cry.....god don't ask me why I can't explain it I just feel
I have to talk to him at least 2 times a day and my
goodnight with him is one of the most important times there
is...I think it gives me confidence that he'll be right
there when I wake up in the morning considering the fact we
don't live in the same house so I can't get up and walk to
his room or anything. well yeah I'm listening to the cd he
bought me and the first song I listened to was our's....I'm
kinda scared when it comes to me and Isaac because well I'm
afraid that I'll end up doing one of the things I do to
most guy's when ever I somehow get this close to
them....usually I want the guy to do his own thing but I
want to sometimes be included and well his thing
is "chill'n" with his cuz'n Russell and after the other day
I've noticed I don't fit in with that so I've got to give
up spending that kind of quailty time with him I'm kinda
scared to be myself when it comes to those two because I
think that every time I do in the back of Isaac's mind
he'll be thinking that I like him or I'm flirting with him
and I'm not going to risk loseing him over something as
small as that...which by the way I don't like Russell like
that anymore he's cute and all that but I love Isaac and
Russell just isn't my type...I don't blame Isaac if he
feels the way I think he does when it comes to me and
Russell it's totally reasonable thats why even though it
kinda hurts to give up sometime with Isaac I'll do it just
for the factor that I don't wanna hurt Isaac in any kinda
way...oh yeah the thing I was talking about early-er about
what I do when I'm in relationships that I'm scared will
break us up is the fact that.....I've found that I'm the
kind of girl that when I know that I'm asured that I won't
lose the guy I seem to be really clingy and act like "he's
mine back off or else" and I think I've been doing it to
often and I'm afraid it's scare-ing him a little bit and so
he's debating on stay-ing with me or not...well at times it
seems like that and then again I'm so confused because his
family and him act like he's all about me all the time and
it makes me feel on top of every thing or the luckiest girl
in the whole world which I know I am cuz I've got him but
hearing his family talk about it makes me feel it a whole
lot more....I love him he's the best!!!... ok well I'm
going to stop blabbering and I'll write later I think I
might try to again really soon here well L8'R.

-Bleeding Dragon Until Next Time-




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