Ad 0:
2004-05-31 03:57:35 (UTC)

Requiem For A Dream

A feeling of utter hate and disgust seethes through me at
the very thought of myself tonight. I volunteered to be
resigned to nothing more than a mere animal. I finally
got enough resolve to not cave in to how I really felt
about Breezy tonight. I looked at her and talked to her
as a friend, and as nothing more - at it was as painful as
it was liberating - but liberating in a way that left me
full of self contempt afterwards.

I always held how I loved Breezy as a very rare and
beautiful thing unto itself - just the emotion she could
pull from me was a phenomenon unto itself. No one made me
feel the type of intensity she could make me feel. So
vibrant the very black on this page seemed darker,
glossier somehow - as if I were more aware and less numbed
in my senses, in a way. And the way that sense made me
see her... what an amazing life that would have been.

I know you read this - at least - I can't imagine the
person I once knew that loved deeply back to me the way I
still do for you tonight... I know that side of you would
not have let that address slip through your fingers. I
know what you can be like sometimes, muffasa - so here is
the deal. You asked me not to love you, you asked me not
to care - the latter not until tonight. From now on - you
will think I don't care. You will think I don't love
you. You will be convinvced, and maybe I can even become
so good an actor I believe it too. But this is the last
time I am giving myself guilt-free permission to speak to
you as the man I am. The man that finds himself
desperately in love with you - with or without your
presence - for three years and counting - as if still in
day one. Nothing about how I feel for you on this level
has changed at all for me - the way, the quality, the
intensity I feel around you and about you has always been
uniquely amazing and uniquely intense - and those feelings
felt within me and felt for you have not lessened in any
way - ever - even when I wished that they would. All that
has changed is how much I appreciate those feelings for
what they are - rare and precious - because of you, I
appreciate it - becuase of you, I appreciate you. If I
could end every last bit of suffering you would ever feel
in life, you know I would. If it cost me my life to do
so, I'd be more than happy to oblige knowing I had worthy
purpose in death. I just can't feel this way anymore - I
can't allow myself to feel this way. I feel too much
rejection from you, not on a friendship level, but way too
much rejection from you on every other level for me to be
happy having these feelings for you. Maybe I can't help
how I feel, but I can sure as hell try. I really loved
you in life, and when it was mutual, I had on of the best
times I will ever have in life, ok? It might not have
seemed like much in your analysis of ingrediants of what
it all was or where we were in our lives, or whatever -
but it was one of the best times I ever look back on in MY
big picture. I just want you to know your life has more
impact than you ever gave yourself credit for - I know you
don't talk about it much, but sometimes you are prone to
wonder about that when you have nothing to distract
yourself with. I see it in your eyes. It usually only
comes out in altered forms, like "what the fuck? Pictou
County?" or the sort, and I know. And I agree. But there
is no way you should ever feel like you haven't made
memorable impact with your life in a meaningful way. I
know you are probably looking at this thinking "what the
fuck, I don't feel like that, what the hell is he talking
about?" and I read you wrong, or I do know you good enough
to see it. You don't love me, or are too affriad to.
Either way, it makes what is possible impossible. So, ya,
I feel like I'm rambling...


I just mean,

I love you
I'll miss you
You were amazing
Good Bye
Your Welcome

I'll always be here for you

Your "friend"