gummo

gummo's dreams
2004-05-31 00:41:56 (UTC)

I'm an enigma

I get into these moods that I hate. It's always when I'm
working late and alone. I start to think about everything
and focus on my faults. Why do I beat myself up like
this? I just feel so alienated from everything like I
always have. I never felt like I fit into anything. I can't get
any friends. When I'm alone, I feel like people look at
me like I'm a weirdo. Do I look at people weird? I feel
like such an outsider all the time. I wish I knew how to
blend and feel like a real person. It's like, I don't find
things funny. I feel uncomfortable around strangers. I
don't have any witty comebacks or remarks. I can't get
people to like me. I really do try sometimes. They just
don't return interest. It must be me. I've moved around
the country and it's always the same result.

I wish I was amazing at something. I wish I had a real
talent. I have to draw a robot and I forgot that I couldn't
draw. How did I get into a career of art and not know
how to draw? I'm sick and tired of my lame ass. I wish I
was in great shape. It's not like I don't try.

I just feel I'm never included in anything. I can't have
friends, feel normal, have fun or laugh. It's like I'm not of
this world. I'm some strange enigma that happened. It
causes me to act weird.

I went out seeking to volunteer at the Hispanic Center
and as a mentor to troubled youths and no one wants
me. No one wants me to help in anyway. I find it pretty
unbelievable but then again, I'm not surprised. I must
look like a mess or nut to people.

Sometimes I really hate myself.




Ad: