forever 17

silent wishes
Ad 2:
2004-05-30 08:06:01 (UTC)

sunday morning in the middle of the night.

and now for the more boring part of the show, as i put
aside my idiotic dancing. it's been a looong time since
i've been to church. lets see, kid came a week before
thanksgiving, so 1/2 of november...6 1/2 months. you may
wonder why i think of such things, even more so why i
manage to keep accurate dates, or why i even care. and the
sad part is i'm not sure i do. so much has happened in the
last 6 months, and contrary to what one of my friend's says
would leave a gaping whole in her life, the removal of
blind faith from my life has seem to have made me sooo much
happier. i no longer question if my actions and thoughts
will anger some invisible who knows what. now i do what i
think is right, and do it because i want to, not because
somebody told somebody's aunt, who wrote it in a letter and
sent it to her 4th cousin's grandfather 3 times removed,
twice by marriage and once by death, who told his son that
owns the coffee shop who wrote it on a napkin and was found
by a demon who carried it off to his cousin the car used
car salesman who told his wife who etched on the wall with
a fork thinks its the right thing to do. i live to makeself
and those i love happy, not something in which i have no
proof of its exsistence.

now before you come at me with flaming sticks,
screaming 'atheist' and all such as that, shut up, read on,
and let me explain.

i am not saying there is no god. i'm fairly sure there's
something up there floating around that has an influence
over stuff, and i'm not saying jesus never existed and that
the bible is a lie. no, i'm just saying that i no longer
blindly walk around thinking i have a shroud of goodness
that follows me. what i do is what i do. it gets done
because i wanted to and i told myself to. if i do something
bad, then let me be blamed for it. i am the reason the
stuff that happens to me happens to me. give me credit for
the stuff i make happen. yes by now you probably think i'm
crazy, i'm to the point of believing it myself. really, i
have no idea what i'm talking about, or why i bothered to
type it. all i know, is that i'm not tied down, and i'm
happy.

wow, i'd never have thought that by jsut looking at a
clock (which now says its past 4 am) would make me realize
that i'm basically nothing more than a heathen. the reason
i started thinking all this stuff to begin with is because
2 of my friends had a "religious debate" in a chatroom we
were in and i started thinking about not going to church
and all that. yea i'm weird. i dont know. all i know is
that its late, er, early, and i'm kinda sleepy now. i'll
shut up before i forget what i'm talking about and start
telling all my dark secrets. ha, yea, like theres anything
to tell.

forever 17


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