Nick's Journal
2004-05-30 00:53:53 (UTC)

Old ladies and young dogs

it's been a bad day. you know those days when birds shit
on your heads, beautiful girls look away from you in
disgust, and democrats are the only ones on cnn.
everything seems to be going wrong with you and in turn
with the world itself. today has been (i hope i'm not
presumptious using the past tense here) one of those
days. i've resigned myself to this day, i'm a dog that
can't escape the electric current anymore and lies down
whimpering, at the mercy of whatever or whoever rules me.
all from failures to being a failure to myself has
happened to me, i tried to spend the day feeling sorry for
myself but that couldn't even be down without an
interruption of more shit.
in kroger just standing there looking at the insane
amounts of different potatoe chips a renengade 80 yr. old
lady with coke bottles for glasses rams into my ankle,
right on the bone, causing a wave of pain to radiate
through my body, the likes of which i hadn't experienced
since that low blow in karate. at first i thought it
wasn't that bad, but as i tried to continue walking, i
buckled, i held onto the frozen meat freezer trying to
straighten myself out. the pain that flooded my every
sensory nub caused me to almost vomit as i tried to
finally level myself. i felt sweat start to form and that
horrible spinning feeling of helplessness when you know
that you are now the most pathetic creature around you.
there i am, my hands turning numb from the ice
crystallizing around my finger tips as i dig into the
freezer corner trying to keep my self from looking like a
with sweat streaming down my body i finally manage to
shuffle down the aisle and purchase the tostitos and a
gallon of milk. i stop standing across from one of those
machiens that dispenses those scratch-lottery tickets,
thinking that with my luck today i had to atleast give
myself a sadistic chance. sadistic it was, as it tore in
half as the machine wouldn't relinquish it's half to my
forceful tear.
there i stood with half a lottery ticket feeling sorrier
for myself than anybody could even laugh at me for. vomit
was biling itself as a wall against the pain of my foot.
but then i got here and i've sat and just sat and just
sat. finally a wave of depression hitting me that i
welcomed like the punishment i felt i rightfully
not taking joy in any damn thing in the world, hollow as
hell taking in the world with only a mirror to portray
anyone's own unhappiness directly back to them. there was
not fake fervor for life, i took everything with the zeal
that i felt it meant to me. which just happened to be
i was running before the whole ankle thing when this puppy
ran up to me and tagged along. i stopped running for a
while and just laid on the grass in sad relinquishment of
any endeavor i had for the rest of the day, knowing that i
could only make things worse than they already were.
i layed there for quite a while, just next to the sidewalk
with people passing me whispering their disapproval for
anyone who dared to relinquish life only for a second, not
treating it with the dignity of an ephiphany at all
times. i layed there and looked at the clear blue sky,
with the sun blazing down upon me and the moon hanging in
the sky like a pale reminder of the insignificance of my
own existence. i stared above to the sounds of a german
shepherd puppy sniffling along my hands and feet trying to
decipher if i was fucking with him or not. i layed there
and just thought about how nice it all was and is, no
matter how shitty life was for me right now. i felt the
business of a body devoid of all concern at the moment and
just felt an immense joy in myself appear in such a
euphoric nanosecond of a moment that it died the instant
it arose within me. i rejoined the drudgery of my shitty
day with the licks of a salty tongue pulling me back with
it's rough carress, telling me to stop being such a
pathetic self-pitying sap.
i almost wish i didn't give him back to that suv with the
50 kids piled in the back and one frantic mother in a fit
of hysteria, out of her mind with relief as the little fur-
ball heaped itself into the waiting arms of her youngest
son, licking his tear-streaked face.