Living With Bi-Polar & BPD...
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2004-05-28 08:52:27 (UTC)


The day has arrived and suddenly it doesn't seem so scary
to me anymore. Yesterday I went to a local nursery and
choose a Perennial that had Orange in it. It is nicknamed
the Goblin. I planted it at my Dad's headstone and hung a
note to him beside it. Took water along for its initial
watering. Hope it survives the seasons. I'll go up and
check on it from time to time. That is if noone has
ripped it out of the ground.

When I arrived there my Stepmother was there. I waited
until she had gone before exiting my car and approaching.
I had nothing to say to her. She apparently had nothing
to say to me. My sister Kris arrived, they had agreed to
meet there when she had gotten done with work, and grieved
together for awhile at the headstone, than left. Kris
hugged me before she left, asked how I was, etc. We spoke
for a bit. I asked if there was any sort of gettogether
planned, she replied that there was not, as far as she
knew. I said that I had thought that was when Freda would
be handing out the Eagles. Kris stumbled around and said
that Freda had handed them out over the year. I got upset
and called Freda a Bitch. Twice. The Eagles were at the
corners of the casket and were very special. Freda had
Dad's photo placed on the front with dates engraved on
it. They were done beautifully. The fact that I had been
left out, yet again, was more than I could stand.

It felt like I had been put into a folder 13 just like
Brother David and forgotten about. The only difference is
that David doesn't live here to be reminded of it. I do.
I can't tell you how I felt in those moments. Anger.
Extreme justifiable. That Freda thinks she has the right
to make one of Herbs children feel like that is totally
beyond me. That she continues to carry his "torch" is
nothing less than cruel. It had nothing to do with her
and has nothing to do with her now.

I feel as if my siblings let me down again. I can't help
it. Of course, they had no idea that I didn't get an
eagle. How would they. I understand that.


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