forever 17

silent wishes
Ad 2:
2004-05-27 06:02:11 (UTC)

theres never anythign to wipe the snot on

honestly, every time i cry, i always cry when there isnt
a thing around to wipe the snot on. lovely image isnt it?

and if you're wondering why i'm even bothering to type
all this, well, it's almsot 1:30 in the morning and i cant
go to bed, it's useless. i'll just lay there and roll
around, stare at the celing, then i'll start thinking and
then i start to cry again. i cried myself to sleep last
night and got mascara smeared on my pillow case. guess
thats why they tell you not to sleep in makeup.

in case you wonder why i was crying, really i dont know.
there's many many things, and only one thing seems right
and good and like it wont up and leave me and die and
that's my boyfriend. but why i was crying is mainlu because
my grandma's getting sick, really really sick, and i spent
litterally all day and 1/2 the night with her
today. ::sighs:: i went with her to the doctor and the 1st
thing he says when he comes in, before he even sat down, he
goes "ms. sarah, you're 84, almost 85 years old. i
personally think you're too old to do surgery." (she fell
the other day in her bedroom and tore the rotator cuff, the
biscep tendon and half a dozen other things in her
shoulder.) "you've got 5-15 years left to live, or, you
could die tomorrow." i couldnt tell you why this upset me
so bad, i mean, the guy was just what i already know. but
him saying "you could die tomorrow" and the way he joked
about it...if looks could killed the poor guy would be a
smoldering heap of ashes. then everybody else talks about
it and jokes about it and i'm like "what the hell?" y'know?
then my dad, lately if i've had to go somewhere i've had to
go with him 'cause momma stays with grandma pretty much
24/7 now, my dad keeps saying how much he "cant believe how
addeled (messed up in the head, i dont know how to spell
that word) grandma's become since easter." yes i know, this
is the hundreth time you've told me this. then he goes on
and on about how i need to spend as much time with her as i
can, because he doesnt think she'll be here much longer. no
really?! i never would've noticed. just because she calls
her hands her feet and says she's putting my mother in
boiling water when her daddy comes home (my momma's daddy
has been dead since before i was 2 years old.)and that she
(my grandma) saved my momma from the pigs and that she's
crazy and that i'm hateful and fat and ugly, and wakes up
and starts talking to her sister (her sister died when i
was in 7th grade) and then wants to know why she's its so
cold this morning when it's 4 in the afternoon and insists
she's having surgery on her brain...but no. i never
would've noticed...
y'know...and i really hate to say this, because i sound
really...i dont know, bitchy and evil and all such as that,
but i really wish they'd all shut the hell up about it. if
all they're gonna do is tell me "oh she's gonna die" then
start laughing about it, jsut shut up, or atleast leave me
out of it. but no...they make fun of it and expect me to
enjoy it. and i know you people probably think i'm stupid
for getting upset over this, but my grandma is like my
other mother. she pretty much raised me because momma had
to go back to work when i was 2 weeks old because my dad
decided he'd just quit and go off to colorado for awhile.
honestly, its like watching my mom lay there withering away
and i cant stand it!!!!!!!!!!!

i need a really big stick and somethign to hit...a head,
a face, a whole person, i dont care.

oh, and then i found this picture where my grandma is
holding me and sitting beside my granddaddy who's holding
my cousin when we were about 3. ::sighs:: it made me
cry...see, when i was little, my grandma used to come
outside with us and she'd play baseball and football and
tag with us and in the summer she'd fill up one of those
plastic swimming pools for us ('us' generally being me and
my cousin, who's basically like my brother that isnt 16
years older than me, but usually the 'us' i'm referring to
was just me) and she'd stay outside or sit on the porch and
watch us play. now i have to basically carry her if she's
to go anywhere other than her recliner.

::sighs:: i hate it..i want so bad to go somewhere, lay
back and cry 'til i'm exhausted. but crying alone just
makes you more sad and i cant cry around here, because
everybody'll ask questions.

so yea, that was my day. and now i'm sitting here,
pittifully trying to get rid of the spyware on my computer,
because its soooooo slow...and i have no idea what i'm
doing. i need help...and i want some chocolate.

forever 17


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