Blueys

Living With Bi-Polar & BPD...
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2004-05-26 15:21:52 (UTC)

2 more days...

until the anniversary of my Dad's passing, the first one...
and I learned today in my Psychiatrist's office that I am
grieving his death. Something I didn't do last year, due
to some family things doing on that drew my attention
elsewhere.

My father and I were estranged the last couple of years
before his suicide and although I had been trying to make
peace for quite some time before the end, he rejected
every attempt. I had resigned myself to his decision and
was at peace within my own mind that I had done all I
could do to rectify the situation.

When he passed, my Stepmother made it clear to my siblings
that I was not to part of any of the decisions or planning
of the funeral and NONE of them showed any loyalty to me,
their sister, by standing up for me. They allowed her to
keep me out of everything. I got a call with the funeral
place and time. That was it. I knew what was going on
after several phone calls attempting to get information
and more information on gatherings or planning meetings,
etc. I was put off by everyone and I got the message.

I confronted my brother on it and was told the reason
why. I exploded into anger and made sure most of them
knew what I thought of them as siblings and Freda for
doing it to me. She had NO RIGHT to steal those things
from me. He had been my father longer than she had been
his wife. And my siblings owed me their loyalty. And
they didn't give it to me. And after knowing how I felt
about it, they didn't even apologize. They honestly felt
what they did was the right thing to do.

Well, I forgave them. I couldn't do any less than that. I
feel no anger towards them. But what I couldn't do was
forget it. I just couldn't forget it. I still can't
forget it.

It has changed the place I once held in the family. It
has changed the way I feel about my siblings. The trust
that I once had in them to always be there for me if I
ever needed them. I don't feel that way anymore. I don't
believe they even know what loyalty is. Especially
sibling loyalty. That is supposed to be an entity unto
itself. And they didn't show that to me at all when put
into the position. Not one of them.

And when I was hurting over it, not one of them showed
feelings about the fact that I took it to heart the way
that I did.


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