polyester bride

The Blue of my Oblivion
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2004-05-22 15:58:01 (UTC)

peace, love, and free speech zones

max came over early yesterday and we left for the lsu
parade grounds. there were little kids lined up on the side
of the streets in little paper hairs colored red, white,
and blue, waving paper american flags. it was so incredibly
surreal. george w. bush was speaking at the lsu graduation,
if you haven't already heard or seen the news. in smaller
and less important news, "a few people, however, were not
so happy with the president's visit. protesters gathered
outside of the assembly center today, holding signs and
chanting things like 'no more bush! no more lies!' "

i was in that tiny and insignificant group of protesters.
it was awesome. it was really exciting, being around all
those people, holding up "honk for peace" signs. i got a
lot of good footage. there were cameras everywhere, even
the dreaded fox news cameras were in my face. i was on tv :)
but i never saw it. beth said she saw it, but i missed it.
imediately, a guy latched onto max and i. he talked for
days and days. he was wearing a red tshirt with a dragon on
it, a silver pentacle necklace, a silver dragon necklace,
fingerless gloves, and a thick, studded bracelet. he had a
beard and a pointy nose. he talked on and on about his high
school and how much he disliked our president. the only
breaks he took were to chant back at people flipping us off
et cetera. then he went back to talking. right before he
left, he gave me his screenname and a very sweaty,
disgusting hug. we had like 70 year old men flipping us off
and people yelling, "get a job!" at us. well not only were
they not at work either, it might be hard with bush as our
president. one guy yelled, "go to france!" i don't really
know what that meant. neither did anyone else. the cops
were circling us with their cars, and that was pretty dumb.
they stood in the shade and had us in our like 10' by
10' "free speech zone" in the scorching hot sun. we
actually picked up our free speech zone and walked around
the parade grounds shouting no more bush! no more lies! and
got filmed for the daily show and all that.

now onto more important news! (news people are jerks...)

we rented heathers, an 80s flick about a group of girls
named heather who run the school, and how a new boy gets
one of the heathers to help him kill the others. we also
rented dr. strangelove and elephant. i'm excited about
watching that. i've wanted to see it for a really long
time, it was a miracle he picked it out from the very
bottom of the 'new release' section. it's based on the
columbine shootings. i'm really interested in that. i have
no idea why i find it so appealing, i just do.

i went to a pool party at chris' house and had a pretty
great time. i felt kind of like a doof next to lindsey, but
for all i know she felt like a doof next to me. though i
doubt it...then, tony and alex left and i felt sorry that
they hadn't been invited to the other party and we were
making a big deal about it. i hate making other people
feel bad, even unintentionally. we took the walk to
garrett's house, a few blocks away. lindsey and chris
walked hand in hand on the side of the road while joey and
him threw a tennis ball back and forth. i stayed behind
them all and kicked my gumball, christened Benjamin. he's
on my desk now. at the party, they played bad music and
everyone clung together like they usually do. this one guy
was getting on everyone's last nerve. it was also super
hot, so people were getting irritated easily. afterwards i
walked with chris back to his house and it was nice, being
able to talk to him without him trying to impress lindsey
or whatever. he's actually a decent person. when we got to
his house, i was reminded that he is not superman as i'd
always suggested. he has a rough home life, and he's very
strong for being able to smile through it and never
complain. he was telling me about it all, though. i'd never
heard him talk about it before. it made me feel really
sorry for him, but very lucky that i have what i have.
chris is good people. i'm glad he's my friend.

when i got home, around eleven or whatever, i got online
and talked to 'him'. he asked me if i still wanted to go
out over the summer. i was a little taken back by that
question. i told him yes, but i was worried. in the next
hour or so that followed, we had a deep conversation about
everything that has been bothering us. it was left
unfinished. he had to go, and he left for arkansas this
morning. blech. and then i read tahe's diary, because he
taunted me with it. in that entry he described his
resentment for me because of the things i write in my
diary. it sounds logical, doesn't it? because i go around
and get people to feel sorry for me, because i act superior
to everyone else because i am "depressed". because i don't
like my appearance. because i don't like everyone, because
i don't think everyone likes me. it's way logical. and ya
know tahe thinks he's cool now, because he did what he "was
always taught". because he reeeeeeeeally put me in my place.

i hope everyone recognized that as sarcasm...

then max asked how much more of it i could take. i didn't
know what he meant until i read alex's diary. alex is one
of my best friends in the entire world and he wrote the
same damn thing in his diary. and they've both seen me this
week. they've both seen and talked to me this week, after
they wrote those, and acted like nothing was wrong. they've
never said anything to me in person, but they exploited my
diary and my feelings on the internet. i know this diary is
public, but you guys and max were the only ones who knew
about this. or at least the only ones who should know. but
for christ's sake. you don't like what i say in my diary?
don't read it! you don't like me because of what i say IN
MY DIARY? that's absurd and you are crazy. very few people
are happy with their appearance. not everyone likes me! not
everyone loves you either tahe, no matter how funny you
think you are or how cool you think you are because you're
a fucking oreo or whatever it is you called yourself.
because i cut myself. well dammit. in any way have i
affected you directly? this has nothing to do with you.
have i hurt you in some way? SHUT THE FUCK UP. you hate me
because of what i do to my own body? well i don't like it
either! it's an impulse. jesus, i've stopped. it's like
your masturbating, that you seem to be soooo proud of. it's
kind of like when you feel a certain way, you take
extremes. mine was a liiiiiiiiittle more extreme, but i've
stopped just like you have. ya know? i've been to doctors,
i'm getting help. i'm doing fine. if you had been trying to
help, i would have been a little more appreciative
(probably...) but all you were trying to do was break me
down. you were trying to hurt me. and that sucked so so bad.

i posted this comment on tahe's diary:

"that really hurt. i did cry, even though you didn't want
me
to. i threw my head back and screamed like a fucking baby.
even though you didn't want me to. thanks i guess, for
being honest. i won't argue, i won't make excuses,
whatever. it's done. thanks for saying what's on your mind.
no one's ever had the balls to say it before. you shouldn't
have put my goddamn business on the internet though. yeah,
i have a diary too but i don't post the damn thing on my
profile. everyone can see this. but "shouldn't have,
couldn't have" won't help now. we are where we are. i am
stronger than you will ever know because i go through all
of that shit and i am still here. you ride through life on
a damn flying carpet with your ninja sword, your non-
masturbation record, and your afro. you are not powerful
because you are of mixed races and because three-fourths of
your bodyweight is made up in hair. frankly my dear, i
don't give a damn. you don't scare me. you're not
depressed, i get that. you told my mom i was a ho and said
it's because your mom told you to speak your mind. well i
was taught the same thing, and that's what i did. in my
diary. i spoke my mind. and you hate me for it. you are a
pathetic, lonely hypocrite and i hope you go far in life.
you have great things going for you tahe. never change."

and now i feel like a hypocrite for posting somewhat the
same type of content. but i have to get this out of my
system. what better way to vent then your own diary?!? this
will probably be my last public entry before i go private
again. for safety's sake. alex says i'm not the person that
i say i am. i won't act like this person in front of
people. i don't dare. i won't bring down their days by
acting upset. and i sure as hell won't bring any of it up
because i know that they'll backfire on me. i dont' do it
because i'm afraid of having done to me what you guys just
did. i keep this shit to my self. that's the whole point. i
don't act like i'm better than anyone. i know i have so
much going for me. it's not that i hate life, but i hate
that i have to feel so bad all the time about MYSELF. you
say this person isn't me. this IS me. and the person you
know is me as well. it's all me. there is no one side. just
because you and tahe are not unhappy with yourselves does
not mean i can't be unhappy about myself. i've never ever
done anything to you, and here you go caving my walls in.
did you stop for like a second and think about how i was
going to react? or how you would feel if you were in my
shoes? or did that not cross your minds? and alex, did you
just become tahe all of the sudden? you don't think for
yourself. you know me so much better than this. all you did
was think like tahe, and not for yourself. it's people like
that that i protested against yesterday, that i spend hours
in the sun being harassed for my beliefs against people who
do not think for themselves but are brainwashed by guys who
think they are the shit. and george bush, a former drunk-
ass c student who went to college on his father's legacy,
and is now running our country like his life size game of
war.

yesterday was a big wakeup. i am very very afraid of what's
going to happen next. this diary was my free speech zone.

"Love is having the power to break someone, but having the
heart not to use it."

good luck with that.



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