This is the beloved air I breathe
2004-05-21 03:59:28 (UTC)

where is home?

well, it's been a very long time since I have written.
Almost a year. I think I will begin online journaling,
because I cannot seem to be able to write with my pen
anymore. I feel blocked. It's wierd, because there is so
much within me that I just want to get out, but for some
reason I just can't get it out.

so, I'm struggling with the problem of where my home lies.
I'm a junior in college, and I have gotten to a point in my
life where my parents and I are starting to diverge in our
thinking and understanding of life. Frankly I believe that
my mother is mentally ill (a very long story) and a lot of
the things that she says and believes are absolutely
Tapped. my mother is judgemental and ignorantly critical.

I have met the man of my dreams (I know, for all of you wyo
have read since the beginning you may be rolling your eyes,
but please don't hold my past against me, it was all a
growing experience.) and we have been dating for 8 months.
His name is Jason Jones and we are planning on getting
married in about a year. Exciting huh? We have made plans
to move to California after we get married so that I can go
back to the recovery center that I worked with two years
ago, and then eventually bring one of those recovery
centers out here to Connecticut. What's the problem? My
mother is a Bitch! My parents don't like Jason. They are
judging him based on the seisure disorder that he found out
about around the same time that we started dating (as a
result he has been unemployed for quite a while) they are
also judging him based on the fact that he has never gone
to college, and up until the time that we started dating,
he had not plans to. Actually, now one of his goals in
life is to become a History teacher and to work with teens
in ministry.

I honestly think that my parents want me to become like my
brother. I think that my mother judges me because I don't
make all of the same decisions that she would make if she
were me, but I don't think she understands. My parents are
both Christians, and my brother hasn't really embraced that
the same way that I have. you would think that they would
be upset about, they love Earl. My brother has
been dating a non-christian for the past 6 or 7 years and
it's no big deal, but I dated one for two months this
summer, and all I heard about from them every time that I
saw them or talked over the phone is how terrible it was
that I was dating a non-christian. Why is that? I am 21
and totally have my life more together than my brother ever
did when he was my age. He didnt' have a clue about what
he watned to do, and he spent his college years dicking off
adn wasting my parents money. I have worked my ass off and
tried my best to become the best person that I know how to
be. ::sigh:: I'm hurt by the fact that I can't really go
home anymore. I know that my parents want me to go home,
but they just don't understand what that does to me. Wanna
hear the kicker? I am living with my boyfriend's family
this summer. I have found more of a family in them than I
can find in my family right now.

More to come later.....