polyester bride

The Blue of my Oblivion
2004-05-20 20:48:45 (UTC)

spooning my eyes out

i saw something today that i really did NOT need to see.
the grossest thing in the world, besides abortion and the
thought of my old english teacher in a g-string. i felt
like oh, yeah, good for them. but i felt so incredibly dumb
that i
had to see it. but this isn't a dumb kind of feeling, this
is a different kind of thing. it's creeping me out. i don't
know what it is yet. and, other people have seen me do the
same thing. it's not like OH MY GOD!!!! but seeing my ex,
one of my best friends, do it, it was like jeeeeez. maybe
it was jealousy. not jealousy like i'm jealous of her and i
want him back. no. that feeling faded away months ago. i'm
totally over that. it was jealousy because they've been
together longer than i have with mi novio, and my
relationship is tapering off like sand in a storm. i don't
know what to tell him. it's like he doesn't even see me
anymore. i'm this window he looks through. i'm so worried
about the summer, how much it's going to tear us apart. and
next week he's going on the traditional trip to arkansas
with his friends who live nearby and i'm left to myself for
a week, which is not going to be a big deal because i never
see/talk to him anymore anyway! but i'm so torn about
warped tour. i really want to go, and going would make me
so happy. but he's not going to like it. but how is it that
the only time he will pay attention to me is when i'm
telling him that i'm going on a trip for a day with another
guy? ugh. and i know i'm supposed to talk to him about
this. but i don't know what to say! is it supposed to be
like "oh, well you ignore me and i'm pissed off so i'm
going to disregard your wishes" ?? i don't want this to
happen. i don't want this to fall apart. i really enjoy
being with him. it's just so annoying that i have to put up
with it...i'm trying to be strong here, but he's putting a
lot of weight on my shoulders.

in other news, school is over forever. i'm done. for a few
months at least. summer is here, and i am doing the indie
pen dance. i feel so much lighter. almost as if i can fly.
i have to go through binders and such to throw out all the
crap i don't need. and i need to pick up books for my
honors english class. yawn.

well i'm spent. luego.




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