Guava

Hi

Today wasn't the greatest of days. Nothing went wrong, but
I've been depressed. I guess because something I tried last
night failed. Don't ask...I won't tell.

Chris was online a couple times today but we didn't chat.
It's good to know he is back from E3. Even if he couldn't
chat with me. I may listen to part of his show tomorrow...I
don't know.

I have spent most of the day inside. I had a nice liquid
lunch. Bacardi 151 and Mountain Dew. I had a little pork as
a snack.

Right now I'm waiting for it to be dinner time at the dining
hall. I want to get some soild food.

I think I mentioned that Dave is in Canada for the week. I
am hoping that he gets online tonight. I need to talk to
him. When I saw him on Friday we got a quick sec to talk
alone when John was in the bathroom. Dave asked me if I was
doing better and I kinda lied to him and said yes. I didn't
want to put a damper on the evening or have him worried
about me.

I had a great time on Friday. So much so that I bought the
Bacardi 151 and some Crown Royal yesterday. It was good to
get out and have a couple drinks. John had as much fun as I
did and even suggest we go see a band he heard about. So
next time they play we'll probably go.

I'm excited to know that John enjoyed going and hearing a
band. I love music and drinking but he hasn't been as into
it recently. Going out is always lots of fun. Just wish we
did it more.

I heard strange noises earlier. I think they came from
Cal's room but I'm not sure. They sounded like something
falling off a shelf. It was probably no big deal.

It was quite nice outside today. It looked sunny and warm.
Too bad I didn't go out and partake in it. Maybe I should
walk up campus later. I should get some pasta at the
C-Store. I need something around that I can cook up for a
real meal.

I feel bad that I used to write lots and I haven't been
doing that in a long time. I guess life just got too fucked
up for me to feel like writing. It's still fucked up but I
guess I feel like I need to type it all out.

I can't describe or explain what is going on in my head.
I've thought many things this week that I can't share with
you. It all boils down to giving up. I have given up twice
this week and it has just begun.

I don't want to scare you all. That is part of the reason
I'm not going into detail. There is no reason to cause you
any hurt or worry that you don't need.

Right now I'm watching Buffy The Vampire Slayer. SOmetimes
I feel like her. I feel like I am up against a wall
fighting things every day. Like she fights off the demons
each episode. I fight off feelings and thoughts all the time.

There is no one I can honestly tell everything to. I'd like
to tell Dave all about it but he would be freaked beyond
belief. I feel like I can talk to him and tell him
anything, but in reality I still have to sensor myself for
him. I can't be as open as I would like to be.

I have managed to tell Chris some things. He can freak if
he likes but can't do anything to stop things. There is no
way he can get involved since his wife might find out. The
good thing is he listens, offers a little advice maybe and
then he is willing to move on and talk about other stuff. I
think he doesn't want to dwell on what I tell him since he
knows he can't step in and do anything.

If you can manage to make sense of all that then you have a
glimpse into my crazy brain. I haven't been thinking
straight for days now.