polyester bride

The Blue of my Oblivion
2004-05-18 18:01:48 (UTC)

i'll never see the sun again

it's semi-dark, except for the glow of my gandpa's old lamp
that is twice as old as i am and fraying at the edges.
everything is still and quiet, minus the low hum of the
age-old air conditioner. i walked in the rain again, today.
it wasn't meant to be that way. it hadn't started to rain
until after i said no to two people asking if i needed a
ride home. lucky me.

i felt dumb today. in fourth hour. i was surrounded by
friends of mine, guy friends, laughing and all that. it was
really uncomfortable with tony all over me, but i wasn't
going to yell at him. i ignored him, though (or, at least i
tried. it was difficult when he was sitting on my back). my
girl friends were together, as they are usually, ignoring
me. they have eachother now, and i'm left with my three
current best friends: me, myself, and i.

he was waiting outside of my classroom when i left from
third hour today. i don't know if he was waiting for me or
his best friend. it doesn't matter anyway. i left without
my camera and ran back in to get it. when i returned, he
was walking away. "i have to go," he said. no hug. no
nothing. he just left. and that's all she wrote. it broke
me in two. i wanted to blend into a wall. i don't know
what's happening. how did i not notice the world crumbling
beneath me? and i just put up with it all. no complaining.
i blink back tears many a day and just keep walking. i'm
weaker than i wish i was, but stronger than so many people
know. what's going to happen with us when school is out
(which is, thankfully, in two more days)? i have the chance
to go to warped tour this summer, with another guy, and i'm
not sure if he would appreciate it. i would never EVER
cheat on him. not in a million years. but does he know
that? what would he do when i'm not there? it would kill me
though, if he went to warped tour without me but with
another girl. i don't think he'd want to go though, and it
would mean the world to me. i have to do some thinking.
also, my family is planning a trip to washington d.c.
what'll happen when i'm gone? will we make it through this?
i'm really scared of what could happen. the
possibilities...what happens next year? there will be a
million new girls at our school, a million beautiful girls.
and there's the soccer team. a million new, beautiful,
soccer girls. that goes both ways, true. there will be new
guys. artsy guys, the guys i'm into. but i don't want
another guy. i'm happy with him. i just don't know what's
going on. i'm afraid to wait it out.

i don't have much, in the way of support. i have no one
when i really need them. it's distressing. but i'm making
it. i wish that i had a best friend who i could hang out
with all the time and never get in fights with. one that
could come to me whenever they needed it, or that i could
go to. one that could help me and be there for me, and that
i could help and be there for. i don't have a best friend
like that. i don't have a friend like that at all. i have
myself. and even i don't trust me.

it's very dark now, and the rain is pelting down against
the roof. lightning is making brilliant flashes across the
sky and thunder is rattling the windows. la got the crappy
end of the storm. i'm wondering if we'll ever see the sun
again. i'm off now to shed myself of soaking wet clothes,
and find a towel or something along those lines to dry this
enormous butt-shaped wet spot on my chair, and ring out my
hair. i think i saw some ice cream in the freezer, i think
i shall take advantage of that as well.

i'm spent.