jackassesrus2000

The Semi-updated Inner Workings of Mike
2004-05-18 04:10:39 (UTC)

my life since then

so, whats up mike? valid question. but one thing bugs me.
no one asks this and if they really do ask it, they dont
want to know what is really going on in my life. i wish i
could believe that some people are left who care, but i
really dont think so any more. my girlfriend cares up
until june 12 when she is released back into the wild. she
wants to have a future with me, but shes bored of this
life right now and wants some adventure. ill let her leave
if she wants, but im not waiting for her. i want something
different, something permenant, something not so goddam
confusing. oh yeah, my dad cares. my mom kicked me out, my
brother laughs at me behind my back and so do most of
my "friends". im going to get fired, most likely, from the
best job i have had so far. i want to work so hard and
make it a lasting job, but that wont happen. we'll see.
lets see, most of my co-workers hate me, my girlfriend's
friends hate me (especially emily), my family thinks im a
loser and wont talk to me unless its about money, all my
friends moved away to college and now are back, but dont
talk to me, though they never did in the first place when
they were here. i sit alone in my broom closet for a room
at my girl's uncle's house and wait for them to kick me
out because the wife is a neat freak. almost every night,
no matter how nice the day could have been, i start
thinking how much easier it would be to save up some money
and get the hell outta dodge. drop everything, break every
tie and go. not many woud be broken in the first place and
no one would really miss me. then i think, why leave? just
get extremely drunk one night, pass out, and never wake
up. no one would expect that. but no one would pay
attention. they wouldnt. a month from that day, my family
would be a wreak because my mom is psycho and is probably
going through menopause, and my dad is sick of her shit.
my not girlfriend would be stressed, but find some
other "nice guy" to lead into believing he is the one,
fuck him, then get tired when things start to not go her
way. what friends i have left wouldnt mourn me and the
extended family would just chalk it up to another bad
apple. i dont know who i am, except a failure and an
asshole, from waht everyone else is telling me. i used to
think that it didnt matter what everyone else is saying,
but when the evidence is so clear, why fight it? im a
prime example of the quote "those who dont learn from past
mistakes are bound to repeat them." its true. its starting
all over again where it seems like my full attention is
being diverted by somethin, but there isnt anything to
divert my attention. atleast not anymore. im going to
start writing stories again. i wish i had paid attention
in that english class, because she had some really nice
pointers and said i could make a very good writer one day.
but tahts how my life is. i could be so many things, but i
choose to be nothing. i have these great oppurtunities,
but i want to do my own thing. the thing im most worried
about now is being alone. i really do feel alone. i dont
know why, people talk with me, i joke with them, have
conversations, know little buddy things about them, but i
dont feel the connections i used to. i like to either be
the center of attention, or out in the shit seats. the
shit seats suit me fine cuz no one out there bothers, asks
you dumb things like "so, how are you and your girlfriend
going" or "hows life". my answers seem much more
complicated and detailed and overwhelming now that i lie
and just say fine to get them to shutup. and its my fault.
i put myself there. i distance myself because i dont want
to be hurt, but at the same time feel hurt because no one
will come in and pull me up to where everyone else is. i
dont know what it takes to make a lasting friendship
anymore. i used to know, but that knowledge escaped me the
day nick called me a goddam motherfucker and punched me in
the ribs. hoe can i create a lasting relationship of true
love when i can barely seem to keep a friendship going for
more than a couple of months. i hate life. i hate having
to experience things, but i want to. i want to move away,
spend some time alone from the whole goddam world. but i
have responsibilities. im a big boy now. im all growed up.
most people like me have the chance to be themselves
because they have the luxury of knowing what keeps people
around and can relax a bit in the responsibility. it seems
like i cant or i slip. thats why im probably going to be
fired, because i try and try and try like hell, then one
day go "i need a break" and they dont expect that or they
dont tolerate that, so its off to find another low-pay
grunt work shit job. or i could always go back to safeway.
they offered. i should. just for the laughs. i could get
away with bloody fucking murder there.but we'll see. i
have no one to vent to. i may do, but im never comfortable
with showing me true feelings alot of the time. it takes
confidence and trust that the person wont blab it to
someone else, or worse, joke about it behind my back. and
thats what happens, so its time for me to withdraw into my
shell, stay awake plsying videogames for the rest of the
night and go to work in the morning and live through
another day of the rest of my life. good morrow to you,
and enjoy the rest of your day.




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