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2004-05-17 08:21:29 (UTC)

life's a struggle

(title inspired by
http://www.zheteng.com/ttt/lifeview.htm )

Anyway, good things happening, bad things happening. great
deal of conflict, of course. as always. anyway, lets cut
to the chase.

first, my friend pushes this dating strategy readings on
me, and it basically says everything that i am not.
arrogant, confidant, cocky, i dont have these qualities, i
hate them even. but they get results. that being said, im
pretty sure that he set me up with some girl for prom one
week from now. im almost positive that she'll ask me soon.
problem is, i have no idea who she is. another problem, i
cant go from never having a gf to all of a sudden prom.
ive skipped a few stages, there. no time to get
acquainted, seeing if she's even my type, its just bam -
prom. blind dates are one thing, but a prom is an
expensive commitment. and for my first experience,
too..... shit, i sense a war in me.

ive been dominating my subconscious for a remarkable
amount of time. its been quiet. but nothing get my blood
going like love, mercury, interaction with another, etc.
if i even think about those concepts i can't keep still
and i want to punch through a wall, i get an adrenaline
rush like none other. and i wouldn't call it a good
feeling. its just anger, angst, self-hate, desparation,
rage. something big is going to happen inside. either ill
kill my subconscious, or it will make a huge comeback. i
just really wish this prom would get called off.

i could list the negatives of this ordeal. i don't know
her, which makes me awkward when i first meet her, just
adding to my awful persona. i stutter and slur when im
nervous, and my voice is unbearable to begin with. while
trying to remember all of this dating strategy crap, i
wont be able to focus, and ill fail at both objectives of
following plan and just being a good person. i wont be
myself or the person i want to be. ill just be a fumbling
idiot. i feel sorry for my date, i really do....

positives? i guess there are only possible positives. who
knows, it could be fucking mercury who asks me. course, it
could be a nobody, which might be even better, she'd be
good target practise for future dating. there's just so
much fucking conflict, i cant take it anymore.

life is just one circle of hell after another for me, it
seems. no matter how far i run, the pain is still there.
sheesh... well, i know something strange will happen. good
or bad, ill learn something. my (very inaccurate)
prediction: average girl asks me, i say yes, act weird,
she gets uncomfortable, then she feels about the same way
i feel now from now to the prom, ill read up on the dating
strategy shit, act like an ass at prom, make a few
recoveries, but overall be a negative force, and my
subconscious will drill into my ear canal and ill probably
end up cutting. there's a 90% chance ill cry afterwards.
its just too much fuckin emotion. i mean, i get crazy
after a short conversation online with a girl im
interested in. after prom, there will be vomit and blood
everywhere. ahhhh.... who knows...

i guess the one and only thing i should do is pray. a lot
of praying. its never failed me before, surprisingly. even
after this success rate, im still not devout. welcome to
the human mind. well, time to start copying math. its
going to be a long week......

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