2004-05-16 23:06:36 (UTC)

Back When Everything Was...

I'm almost glad that this pC broke down the other day - I
restored it to an image made in February - an image that
was of this machine as it was whenn it was painstakingly
reinstalled from the ground up, from a clean format, to
where it was 2 weeks into that process. I added most of
the new software this thing has seen since then - and it
has been running A HELL OF A LOT faster since - so now I
made a new image, a more up to date pristine slate to fall
back on.

Jamming was awesome yesterday, but then again, around
these parts, any jamming is at the very least good
jamming. I don't know if I will ever really be interested
in a "band" on any official basis, but so far it is at
least something musical to hone my craft with, and a
release now and then. I have so much scoring to do I
almost want to avoid it... what am I saying "almost" for,
I do want to avoid it. 150 songs is no small order,
especially when that order is self-imposed. But I did
want to get my music scored, and it has gone pretty
smoothly so far. I'm starting with my hardest tunes and
working back toward the simpler ones, it will push me
harder at the outset and get my speed and accuracy on
paper developed more expediantly - and with 150 to do,
expediance and accuracy are a virtue.

As for matters of the heart, they don't exist ideally, but
alas, they do so much. Still trying to get past this
really intense bond that used to bring me so much joy with
Breezy. I have a tendency to address the negative to the
extreme to myself when trying to discourage my feelings
from someone - and it is effective - but not realistic.
It has always been so hard to block out the good when you
need to, and I feel I've gotten much worse at this
skill... So I may resort to exageration and fabrication
for a litle while and think of it in terms of "she's just
a kid until she is 25, thus useless to me" or "how can I
trust my heart to someone who can't look after their own",
or in a pinch, turn totally to music and just avoid her if
I am having difficulties. It really hurts to have
something so amazing die. So amazing, my heart won't let
go - even when my head knows it has to. She really
doesn't love me at all like she used to, and I have to
accept that.

So the picture becomes clear, and now it is just a matter
of time before I get my new groove into music, while I
await on a date for my new job.

PS - Sweet Everything, thank you for your kind words, for
the smile you brought to this face, and for a slight sense
of wonder. I had no idea anyone really would read this at
all, and I am amazed, yet humbly flattered that you took
the time to read my thoughts as expressed here. I only
wish that I could return the gesture somehow, perhaps I
could offer friendship - if you want to make one. But
please understand, these words are merely my past
expressions while in particular states of mind, and not
me, so I hope that you can find the interest in knowing
who I am, and not who I've been, so to speak.

this is a song I wrote during my first REAL heark break:

Back When Everything Was...
© Brian Dowding 1996 - (January 17, 1996 - written at the

Back when everything was beautiful
Back when everything was true
Back when everything was innocent
Back when everything was new
I never wanted it to end
I never wanted it to be through
All I ever wanted was everything
Back when everything was you

I never wanted to hurt you
I never wanted to break your heart
All I ever wanted was everything
Now everything tears me apart