polyester bride

The Blue of my Oblivion
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2004-05-15 20:10:49 (UTC)

radical honesty

i haven't written in a while. lo siento for the delay,
i've been very busy with finals and all those nasties. it's
very overwhelming. i had to skip school thursday to take a
break from it all.

wednesday, due to crappy louisiana weather and flooding,
school was let out early. we were instructed to stay in
first period until further notice. first for me is art, so
we sat on tables as not to get our feet/pants wet and
worked on projects. my painting is coming along nicely.
it's about time.

i'm taking time outs from a lot of things, nowadays. ha,
i've even stopped going to therapy. she's not helping
anyway. i cut again, a few weeks ago, and my mom saw when i
was trying on graduation dresses. she's upset that we're
spending money on therapy and i'm still doing what i was
put in there for. this time though, i have my own
motivation for stopping. completely. basically, it's just
not worth it anymore. all the trouble and heartache it's
causing EVERYONE. i don't like being the center of
attention, or the focal point of my parents' nightmares. my
plan is to be radically honest whenever i have a sudden
spurt of emotion. i dont' have to go run and tell someone
immediately, but i can do SOMETHING else (i.e. paint) to
deposit that bit of emotion out. i can't let it build up
anymore. it'll kill me. the problem is, i don't know if i
CAN be radically honest. it seems hard. not that i can't
work hard at it, i will, but people who use radical honesty
usually end up alone. and i don't think i could do that
either.


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