5.14.04 Is this the real life?
It's like 6:30 in the morning, and I've been kinda
thinkin about my last (and first) entry, about infatuation.
The more I think about it, there's no way it can be
infatuation, but at the same time there is no way that I
could be in love right now. I might be very late to
figuring this out, but now I think I can speculate that
there is a middle ground, a ground known as "like". There
HAS to be, right? A long-term infatuation has gotta
Yesterday was weird though. This girl that I "like"
erupts into tears in the middle of the room, and I thought
it was because I wouldn't shake her hand.... (yeah, I'm a
little vain)but ya know she cries over everything. Maybe
that did have something to do with it. But she comes up
with this "I lost myy cat" kinda excuse, which isnt a
reason to start erupting into tears. You dont realize you
lost your cat at school, that happens at home. So I like to
think it had something to do with me.
Now this whole story about my liking this girl may
seem a bit vague to you, Mr.
Diary. And I'm feeling a bit open, so I'll put it out
there. I've liked this girl since freshman year. I
just couldnt initially come to terms with it, because I was
caught up in the high schoool game of "sociality", and we
were kinda from two different worlds. So when I found that
she liked me, I didn't make a move. This was horrible,
liking someone and not making a move. And the fact that I
liked her started showing up, through body language, in our
lucid conversations. Though I never said it, she must have
found out eventually. By that time it was too late, she
claimed she didn't like me again. When summer break rolled
around, I had almost forgotten about it, and had an almost
like-free first sophomore semester. It wasn't until the
second semester that she IMs me outa nowhere, talking about
sex. Now, I've mentioned before that this "like" is not
about sex. But I am a guy. I don't know why she did it, it
was one of those passages that was like a big poem rhyming,
and the theme was "I want to have sex with you." But right
after that, she types "lol j/k." Now keep in mind that I
hadn't talked to this girl in months, and I get a random Im
about sex? I started thinking "Yes. She wants me." So I
copy and paste the paragraph and send it back to her. and
then itype "lol j/k", mocking her in a way. The reaction
was not good "no you werent kidding" she says. At the time,
my wit was not half as sharp as it is today,and so I just
left it at that. A total loss for me, as it appeared that
she didnt want me, and I wanted her. :-(.
Yeah, after that, my "like" for her continued, all
through sophomore summer and junior year, when she shows up
in two of my classes. It took maybe two months till
the "like" just filled me up, and I had to tell her how I
felt. So I did just that. I tell her I like her...I get
played/rejected. She does remind me, with a tone that is
almost mocking, that she used to like me freshman year.
Like I forgot. Anyway, that didnt hurt as much as I
expected it to. I just tried to be nicer to her, and put
all that behind me. Now, in the second semester of my
junior year here, I suffer from geatly elevated symptoms of
"like". And so I don't know. I thought that once
someone liked someone else, it was very hard for them to
pass on the throwback memories of being together with them.
This is apparently FALSE! She can just say no to me so
easily. Maybe she was just infatuated with me. Ahh, the
very thought makes me happy, and angry that I didnt do
anything about it at the same time.
Haha I really didnt talk about the day at all, as I
never do. Another horrible part of the day was the Spurs-
Lakers game, easily one of the best games in the history of
the NBA. I was soooo happy when Tim Duncan makes this shot
with 0.4 on the clock to put the spurs up by one. But then
this idiot Derrick Fisher makes this last second throw up
garbage that give the Lakers the lead, and the W. It was a
heck of a game, but I was sooo disappointed. Lucky garbage.
But I gotta go. A final thought- It's only the horrible
days that makes you ask yourself "Is this the real life?"
Why are things that you want not always accessible? Will
they be accessible in the future, in the real life? Only