Ode to a psycho!HA!
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2004-05-13 15:48:50 (UTC)

I love him so much, it drives me crazy.

I came online to vent my frustrations with the male sex. I'm feeling very
frustrated right now, and I don't know what to do. I love him so much it
drives me crazy!! I want so badly for him to be the person I'm supposed
to be with. Sometimes everything is so perfect, and he makes me smile,
and we get along, and he calls to let me know whats going on. And then
sometimes I just can't understand what the fuck goes on in his head.
things that seem SO obvious to me, and I think should be obvious to him
are completely beyond whatever it is that he's thinking. And he gives me
excuses, like well I'm a lazy person, or I'm a horrible boyfriend, or I'm an
impulse buyer. That's bullshit!, absolute bullshit. He's always saying,
"well I don't have the money for that, or I'm not going to have the money
for that, or I don't have any money right now." and yet he still hasn't
gone out and gotten himself a job. And there are jobs to be gotten.
Don't get me wrong, I need a jod too, but for me it's not a matter of
wether or not I'm going to be able to afford lunch. and then when he
gets money, what does he do? goes out and buys a twenty dollar action
figure. I'm sorry, but I just don't see the advantage of having a two foot
tall model of a super hero, and having no money to eat. He's 18 years
old for shrist sake. And that makes me wonder about how he's gonna act
when he has an appartment, or a house, or a wife, or kids or any
combination of those things. Is he not going to be able to pay the rent
because he had to buy a pair of real aluminum wolverine claws? I just
don't understand the logic. And then I get upset with him because he
goes and buys the damn toy, and he goes well, I'm a bad boyfriend.
THEN WHY THE FUCK AM I DATING YOU!!!!!!!! Stop trying to turn this
around and make me feel like the guilty one!! You always do that!! This
isn't a question of wether the fuck you're a good boyfriend or not! As a
matter of fact I think you're a wonderful boyfriend. It's a question of
wether or not you'll be able to function like a real human being outside
of your mothers house!

I am so ready to move out of my parents house, and live in an
appartment, and buy my own groceries, and begin to learn what it's like
to be on my own. He's living at home next year, and personally I think
it's a good Idea, because I don't think he could live in an appartment by
himself with no one taking care of him but himself. And I'm so in love
with him it drives me crazy. - He wouldn't even be graduating this year if
it weren't for me.

I'm not saying he a bad person, because that's not the case at all. I'm
just saying that he has some reall issuses he has to deal with before he
can be a functioning human being.

Our friends Matt and Amanda have been dating a bit over two years, and
even still to this day, MAtt goes and stands or sit with Amanda when
they're in a room together, Matt grabs amandas arm to come sit by him,
or to kiss her hand, or whatever. He almost always saves her a seat. He
absolutely gravitates to her no matter where we are, and wish so badly
that Billy would do that. So badly. When we were at amandas house the
other day, she and matt were with eachother at the other end of the
pool, and when I tried to get billy to come to me he wouldn't. He just
stood at the edge, and tried to make me come to him. He always tries to
make me come to him. He's the boy, he's supposed to want to come to
me. He's supposed to want to hold MY hand, or save ME a seat, or make
someone move to be closer to me, not the other way around. And I don't
think that he should have to be told to do those things. He should just
do them no questions about it. And when he doesn't I get upset, and me
being upset makes him upset, and then he doesn't understand what he
did wrong, and that makes me even more upset, because It was so
obvious to me to begin with.

And then when I ask him a question to get his opinion, or to make a
decision about something, all i get is Idon't know, or I don't care, or it's
up to you, you make the decision. But I don't want to make the god
damn decision, I want help! that's why I asked you in the first place!! you
don't have to make the entire thing by yourself, but a little input would
be SO VERY greatly appreciated...And I do nice things for him, like the
day before yesterday, we went to cruisers, and he didn't have any
money, and so instead of getting the chicken caeser salad I really
wanted, I ordered cheese fries ( I'm not even supposed to eat cheese) so
that we could share them, and I paid, and after we were done I asked
how they were and he said, "not very good, well, they definitely weren't
the best I've ever had." and I said, "oh, you didn't enjoy them even a
little?" and he said, "no, not really." and that made me feel horrible. I had
just spent six bucks on fucking cheese fries so that I could split with him
and he said they were bad, and then never thanked me. - for future
reference, that won't really make people want to jump up and do
something nice for you again. You tell them they were good, even if they
weren't , and ALWAYS say thank you.

I'm moving away in a little under three months, and I hate fighting with
him. I hate fighting with him so much it could possibly be the worst
thing in the entire world. I'm only going to be here such a short time,
you would think that he'd want to be close to me as much as he could
be. Because once I'm gone the chances of me moving back are slim to
none. And we both know I'll be out of twon this summer for at least
three weeks of the last few months I live here.

I feel a little better now that I've vented. I love him so much. He drives
me crazy. =) Maybe one day we'll get to go home, or take a trip just the
two of us to disney, or somewhere. I know he tries to be good to me, but
sometimes I don't think he knows what to do. I know he loves me, and
that's all I can really ask for, right?

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