The Apple

Fresh Words
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2004-05-13 00:45:36 (UTC)

5.12.04: Infatuation?

I'm Alix Coupet. Before I begin, let me say this. A lot of
people consider diaries on the web to be cake. "Cake" is my
term for soft, sweet, fruity, etc. I kind of feel this way
too, that an internet "diary", especially when called
a "diary", is emasculating, to say the least. I think that
the benefits of actually recording my daily stuff and
emotions, as girly as the concept may sound, probably
outweigh this pinkish girlish skirty-flirty feeling I have
right now. I also think that free and open writing will do
wonders for my writing.
Today is May 12th. Unexpectedly enough, Alix's
thoughts today (I tend to refer to myself in the 3rd person
from time to time, and, rarely, in the fourth person,
which, if used, will be explained later)are what inspired
the creation of this journal. As insecure as this may
sound, I needed someone to talk, or "type" to. Typically,
there's a friend, cousin, or brother around to exchange a
word with, but, if I may say so, I am fairly ashamed of my
thoughts, so I would prefer it if my audience did not
communicate back with a cynical tongue. But I digress. My
thoughts today, as the thoughts of all males are, were
inspired by (this is so cliché)one of the opposite sex,
who, unless I decide otherwise, will temporarily remain
nameless. I don't know, I could be considered a "lover of
the females", but today really threw me off. I've written
before on how I didn't know if it was possible to love
another girl, and I still don't, probably because I'm at
the wrong age to know(16). I thought I was capable of
identifying infatuation with a rather keen eye. It's not
easy for me to say anything about how I feel towards a
girl, because I know how often that leads to mistakes, and,
to be frank, an impetuousness which ultimately results in
emotional dishonesty.
ANYWAY, I felt something that I considered to be a
little stronger than infatuation. No. A lot stronger. And
so I'm a little worried because I don't wanna feel this. So
my kind of question is "where do you draw the line between
infatuation and love?" And "is love the next thing past
infatuation?" infatuation means, according to
Dictionary.com (The final source on the meanings to words!)
states that infatuation is "temporary love of an
adolescent." Well, that doesnt help me because I cannot
define the "L" word yet. Someone told me that love is when
you can be genuinely happy when someone else is, and their
happiness has nothing to do with you. I guess that means
that even if this person chose someone else over me, I'd be
like "well at least they're happy". Ugh.
Wait, allow me to establish something. I hate making a
bru-ha-ha (always wanted to use that) over high school
relationships. This person used to "like" me, but I know
now that I've always "liked" them. I just am slightly
unaware of the extent of this liking. I mean, it isn't
temporary. I don't think 3 years is temporary to have a
high school crush on someone. Maybe it is, what do I know?
But I can sit here and tell you that since the day I met
this person my "like" for them grew everyday, until now I
HAVE to tell someone about it. This person, this person is
a person that you really like or are disgusted with. Me, I
kind of fit under both columns. Some mannerisms I cannot
stand, and yet I'm so more than willing to overlook them,
even to pretend that they don't exist. I hate feeling this
way, too. I hate to like her....but this liking has just
grown so much that it plagues and clouds my mind. I don't
think about "girls" anymore. I think about her. What is
this? I can't pretend anymore. It would be of the ultimate
satisfaction if she felt the same way. I guess you'll know
shortly, as I'll attempt to find out shortly. Peace.


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