nin137

Nick's Journal
2004-05-12 13:30:34 (UTC)

I seem to have more time to write now

well now that college is practically over i seem to have a
lot more time to write. not like my life has gotten more
interesting really. the extent of my life lies between
the anxiety that churns my stomach when i think of the
phone and the resigned sadness that churns my stomach when
i think of the mail.
last night i studied more than i've ever studied before in
my entire life. i mean i kenw the shit within the first
hour of studying, but i just had nothing else to do. i
guess i could have drank but i'm finding that increasingly
less desirable. i don't know what it is, i'm not meaning
ot make it into a moral platform for myself ever. i mean
that would be hideously hypocritical of me. anyways in
light of not chugging 2 40s in 30 mins i just went and did
a bunch of derivatives equations, that black-scholes
formula makes me wet. i really didn't think that i could
possibly go beyond just tolerating studying to actually
enjoying it. i pretended that i was actually at a job and
that people depended on my outcomes, essentially that i
mattered to someone other than myself. but i just think
that's kinda stupid, if you mean more to someone else than
to yourself than you are in their hands. waiting for
their praise, and trumped by their disapproval. if what
you do is done for yourself then your approval lies within
itself, as interviewers like to hear, "it has an intrinsic
value". god i felt like such a goon when i said that to
this one lady during an interview, but damn did she eat
that up.
i've come to the conclusion that i'm bad at basketball. i
used to be really good. i played with my father every
evening when he came home for at least an hour, thinking
back on it i don't know how he was able to play in the
stuffy humid air that lingered on the court (driveway) for
that long without dying after a long day of work. i
remember i loved basketball for the same reason i loved
walking toby. it gave me the ability to be alone without
people thinking that i'm weird. it's funny you can shoot
hoops and think all you want but you can't just stand
there. that's why i love washign dishes, mowing the lawn
and any other menial tasks that requires no mental
capability. it leaves me alone to myself. but now i suck
at basketball. i'm not good at the whole dribbling thing
and i used to be great at long range "j's" but now i suck
at those.
what happens if i took too many vitamins at once? i mean
is that deadly? probably is, everything is deadly when in
excess. but vitamins? think about it, that's kind of odd,
they're good for you up to a point, and they're the things
that you really NEED more than anything. odd.
juliann's family is meeting mine, but more specifically
they are meeting my grandmother. good lord in heaven. my
grandmother is way too candid to meet people that you HAVE
to be nice to. i really hope she doesn't say anything
mean, it's just here nature i guess. i mean she means
well but once in a while the "jesus, you look like you
fell from the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way
down" just slips out of her. only it's in german. haha.
she is funny. just not funny when it's said to your
girlfriends parents. she's an habitual line-stepper.