jesterKing1

Day dreaming in Darkness...
2004-05-12 08:43:18 (UTC)

Another 4:30am entry

Ya know, I havent realy written in this for along time . . .
I guess its because I dont realy have a reasion. I started
this diary so that Danielle can see what is going on in my
life while we were going through a rough time without having
to actualy talk to me. I guess it has served its purpose,
now that I see the friendship slipping little by little...

I never realy write in here unless I have a problem with
somthing. But right now I dont know what to write, but I
know I have to write somthing.

I sometimes sit in bed laying wide awake like I was just
doing at 4:30 in the morning and I cant help but think what
could have been if things were alittle diffrent. I mean, Im
not saying I want them to be, but maybe I do. I dont know.
All I know is that My life has changed so much within the
past 2 years. I dont know half the things that happened. I
dont know if I realy want to know what happened. Maybe Im
not making any sense, but to me I am. I cant help but think
about it... what could have happened. Would I be happy? or
would it be misrable? decisions that I made and decisions
that others make... what if they were diffrent?

I often start to think if I actualy made a diffrence in
peoples lives. Yes Danielle I am talking about you too...
because sometimes it seems to me that I was realy easy for
you to get over me. You say how you will never forget what I
gave you, but I dont think thats true. I think you already
forgot it. I dont know. You will yell at me for saying that,
and say that you will never forget it. But can you tell me
what I did for you?

Ya know, Amy has said some good things to me lately. She
knows that I am lonely sometimes. She is offering to come to
Ireland with me. which should be interesting if she does
come. But i think i wouldnt want her to come. I want someone
else to come...

"People say things to comfort themselves. They dont want to
tell you the truth because they are afraid of what it will
do to themselves as well." Take it for what you want. But
thats somthing that she told me one night about a week ago.

sometime when I lay in bed I want to go back to the nights
of laying in my backyard looking up at the stars. Making
wishes on shooting stars and just laying there. It was
somthing that I cherish all the time and I will never forget
that. Brings tears to my eyes sometimes.

Was I realy that easy to get over? I dont know why I ask
this now, but I think about it alot... I mean I know its too
late and I know there will never be another chance. Thats
not the point of this. Im jus trying to figure out how much
I ment to you at the time I suppose. I dont know. Looking
into the mirror right into your own eyes has a weird affect
on you I guess. You see your own soul.

I guess its the music that I am listening to. Who knows. Who
knows if I will ever get my questions answered... Because I
dont know if I can belive you even if you do tell me. Not
saying because you would lie to me, just because I dont
think I could belive... Listen to "October" by my band...
Evanescence. Its a beautiefull song.


I just want someone to feel that way for me. Like She does
in that song . . .




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