eidolon

shifting mists
2004-05-11 15:35:35 (UTC)

my intention ...

My intention is not one of causing pain to you by cutting
myself off from you so completely. It is not to punish or
show my displeasure. It is not to give some sort
of "silent treatment" or hold a grudge. I know that
perhaps for some this might be difficult to understand,
but I sliced the lines of communication between you and I
out of self-preservation. It’s a desperate grab for the
rapid decline of my emotions and sanity.

Back and forth, I sway with the wind
Resolution slips away again
Right through my fingers, back into my heart
Where it's out of reach and it's in the dark
Sometimes I think I'm blind
Or I may be just paralyzed

Because the plot thickens every day
And the pieces of my puzzle keep crumblin' away
But I know, there's a picture beneath

I know that you probably don’t see this, that you don’t
understand. I’m aware that to you I am being hurtful,
vindictive, or worse. There is no way to explain to you
that the reason behind my silence has nothing to do with
you as far as its possible effects upon you are concerned.
It has to do with the effects your lies and justifications
have upon my emotions. The hedging and twisting works
against my mind’s stability and brings me closer and
closer to an edge I am unwilling to fall over into.

Indecision clouds my vision
No one listens...
Because I'm somewhere in between
My love and my agony
You see, I'm somewhere in between
My life is falling to pieces
Somebody put me together

I cannot trust you. If I cannot trust the words people
tell me, then there is no reason for me to speak with
them. When I do and they lie or twist the truth it more
than disappoints or hurts, it sets my emotional balance to
spinning. And when it is someone I cared about and
trusted, or thought I could trust and made great efforts
to trust.. such as you, it more than sends things spinning
but tumbles them completely out of control.

Layin' face down on the ground
My fingers in my ears to block the sound
My eyes shut tight to avoid the sight
Anticipating the end, losing the will to fight
Droplets of "yes" and "no"
In an ocean of "maybe"

From the bottom, it looks like a steep incline
From the top, another downhill slope of mine
But I know, the equilibrium's there

So I will not speak with you. I will not communicate with
you or knowingly interact with you in any way. I will not
respond… Not because of some grudge or intent to cause
pain. I simply will not respond because my balance both
emotionally and mentally depends upon my care and
protection of them.

Indecision clouds my vision
No one listens...
Because I'm somewhere in between
My love and my agony
You see, I'm somewhere in between
My life is falling to pieces
Somebody put me together

I am sorry if my silence hurts you. If it is painful for
you to have lost my friendship… my companionship. If this
is painful for you it is not my intention, there is just
simply no way to avoid it. I have to care for myself and I
know that although I often don’t in my efforts to care for
those around me, that at this time it is me I need to take
care of first and foremost. And taking care of me… my
mental and emotional wellbeing… means I must distance
myself from you and your dishonesty.

Lyrics courtesy of the song "Falling to Pieces"
by Faith No More.