daccn

I am not a clerk
2004-05-11 02:22:40 (UTC)

snap out of it

The bulk of today was the worst day, perhaps, since the
day I first found myself on the receiving end of the "we
should just be friends" speech.

Part of it stemmed from the recognition that it has now
been two weeks since that event, and that I felt roughly
the same as the week before - not debilitated, by any
means, but not really improving. It's not anything more
than "the blues", really - but it's probably the deepest
and most protracted case of the blues I've felt since
Junior High. I kept thinking to myself - "If I were really
a strong woman, I would feel better by now."

Not only that, but it was unusually cold and the sky was
overcast. I have found these last two weeks that my mood
goes up and down with the weather - when the sun is out
I'm chipper, when it isn't I'm morose.

There was another blow - while walking around campus, I
thought I saw him, from a block and a half away. I'm
usually terrible at recognising people, and have offended
a few acquaintences that way, but this time I felt
certain. The clothing, the way he walked - I felt a knot
in my gut almost immediately, everything came rushing
back, and I wasn't sure whether to turn away or run after
him. He appeared to look in my direction briefly - but
whether he saw me or not, he did not stop.

I took myself to a coffeeshop. It's one I don't really
frequent since it has a reputation as a stomping ground
for pretentious scenester types, but I like the ambiance
and the music and so decided it would make a refreshing
change. And, it was actually incredibly soothing.

Another blow (but of a much better kind) came this
evening - I have indirectly discovered that he has started
to date someone else.

In the back of my mind, there has always been the idea
that one day, I would find a message on the answering
machine from him, or we would run into each other
randomly, and he would realize the error of his ways and
want to try again. Sometimes, in my fantasies, I would
unhesitatingly accept and we would both be overjoyed;
other times, I would reject him - as the "strong woman" -
and he would be the one dealing with the regret instead of
me.

Now, this evening's revelation is like a slap to the face -
it's finished with, he's moved on and has probably
stopped thinking about me.

It's not unlike the situation a year or so ago with James
(I've got an entry discussing it called "marriage and
clarity"). It's over, the pressure is off, this is a sign
to stop obsessing.

I'm still sad, of course - but now I'm certain that I'm
about to come out the other end, that this chapter has
closed and I am off the hook.

Time to stop thinking about this.

This is the last entry on this situation, I promise.




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