ASocialWorkR

K's Chaos
2004-05-10 04:28:47 (UTC)

FINALLY.....

So, I have been trying to get on here for a couple of days
now and I kept getting some sorta error message. I am
positive it is user error!

Anyway, I am supposedly working on my final paper for my
undergrad degree! WooHoo!! But, I can't get into it for
some reason....I assume it is spring fever.

I have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach...I am
scared and excited all at the same time. Freakish!

I am really excited about my family coming up here for my
graduation. My Dad is even coming....I am very suprised.
The down side is that he thinks he has to bring his wife! I
have negative feelings toward her for several reasons. She
is a very jealous person. She never encouraged a
relationship between us kids and Dad. As a matter of
opinion, she hindered the relationship. Of course Dad
didn't need help blowing off his family responsibilities
anyway. I guess most alcoholics don't need a lot of
persuading. Back to my Dad's wife.....she and I have never
gotten along. Mostly because I am smarter than her and I
call her out when she is trying to feed us a lot of BS. She
has two kids that she never sees. She claims that the
children were taken away from her in a custody battle
because her ex in laws were loaded. Whatever! I believed it
(half-heartedly) when I was 12. Now that I am an adult and
I happen to work in the child welfare field........NO WAY!
She is leaving out some important details somewhere! So,
the last few years she has gotten even weirder. I am still
trying to figure out how...but anyway....she suddenly
became very religious...which is fine but she started e-
mailing me really long sermons! I mean sermons! I thnk she
must have been copying the Bible! I don't know what the
hell she is talking about most of the time because I think
she is writing in latin or using words that are extinct to
the modern language! Ok, I just delete and let it go. She
is coming to Kansas from Oregon for my graduation. My Dad
is working in Michigan right now so they will be taking
seperate flights (obviously). I get an e-mail from her the
other day asking if I will take her to the airport on
Sunday. I was like sure no problem....when does your plane
leave? She told me Dad's plane leaves at 6:30am and her
plane doesn't leave until 7:00pm!! Holy Shit! Then, another
e-mail telling me how she wants to spend the day with me!
WHAT! WHY! We don't even like each other!! SO, yeah, I get
to have her hanging around all flickin' day. She hasn't
wanted me near her or my Dad for the past 16 years! Why
now? I don't hate her.........I don't know her....I don't
want to know her. She really, really needs counseling. OH,
and then I happened to send an e-mail to her...it was a
poem about a little girl who was being abused. She e-mailed
me back and said something like...."thank you for the e-
mail. I cried when I read it, for I too was a child that
was abused." OK, sorry 'bout your luck! Ok, I don't mean it
like that....I really am sorry that she was abused (if it
is true). I dont' believe anyone has teh right to put their
hands on anyone else. I just think it is bizarre that she
felt the need to tell me that information. I can't explain
how non-existent our relationship is! That would be like me
telling random people that I am a survivor of sexual
assault. No, it wasn't my fault and no, I shouldn't be
ashamed....BUT, I don't go around telling people I barely
know! I am sure it is her way of trying to build a
relationship with me....only problem is....I don't like her
and I don't want to have a relationship with her other than
a cordial hello, how ya doing...type thing.

Speaking of the rape....I have been having some messed up
dreams lately...and having some serious anxiety. I keep
dreaming about the rape. I hate, hate, hate, it! (duh!) In
my dreams it is really weird....Before when I dreamed about
it...I would actually feel everything that was happening. I
would be so scared, and I would cry, and try to fight them
off. I would wake up (or Sherrie would wake me) and my
heart would be racing, I would be sweating, and crying.
These dreams are different......It is like I am standing
outside watching it happen to me. My heart feels really sad
and I just stand there and watch. It is like it is
happening to some one else. I just feel really sad and
heavy. Then I start to get really angry. Not angry at the
two men....angry with myself. But I continue to stand and
watch. I can't figure it out....I know on some level I
still feel like it was partially my fault....which is crap.
I know in my logical mind it wasn't. I am going through a
stage where I am very angry. I am angry with the police for
the way they handled the investigation, at myself-because
it happened, and at those two losers that got off by
kickin' my ass and violating me. Usually, I have a positive
attitude about it....it is as horrible thing that happened
but I am a much stronger person. It will be four years this
August....in my dreams I see things that I didn't see
before....I can't help but wonder if I am remebering things
or if they are just dreams. I think I just need to talk
about it...in detail or write about it...I guess I will
think about that. I will figure it out...I know I
will .............some day. Right?




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