#500- holy good god.
the sky is so beautiful tonight - im here, finally, so
uncertain, that i drove around for hours... im not
studying, but im not thinking of you either, so dont i
deserve some credit for that? ...although i am thinking of
not thinking of you... its habitual, thats my new theory,
it has to be, ive nothing else left...
it feels different now. so suddenly, so unexpected, after
so many months, my friends all reached down together to cut
me loose, to drag me gently from one light to another, and
open my eyes - still squinting back at you, the light that
has brightened my days for so long, but every day has been
like another lie, another hopeless hope, ending the same
way, alone in one bed while you lay in another...
and i realized that night, that had you been there, (which
you wouldnt have been) you would have been my complete and
only focus, yet tragically the only person who was not
kissing me, not touching me, not telling me 'god i fucking
love you'... you would have had my entire attention, and
been the only one who didnt want it... you would have been
the only one not holding my hand, not looking in my eyes
while you danced with me, with one arm around me the whole
night... i would have spent the night glowing with how
beautiful you are, while you were the only one who wasnt
making me feel loved...
and although i love you, although i want you, so badly it
hurts, these are all the things you cant or wont give me.
and i think i forgot how much i was starving to be touched
and kissed and loved. and i forgot just how much i need the
one thing you wont give me.
which all doesnt matter so much, because you would have
never been there in the first place... so while you drank
and smoked and did whatever it is you do with these
new 'friends', my old friends were busy pulling me away
from a dream that was never going to come true.