2004-05-02 04:38:30 (UTC)

you cant get high enough to..

'you cant get high enough to get outside of the hate you
mistake for a place to hide.. love, my love, you've only
got today..'

sometimes i dont like livejournal.

i had such a good night last night, i needed that badly.
friends drinking with me and dancing with me and kissing me
and holding my hand and laughing with me and singing with
me. what more could you want. well lets not go there.

i didnt do a great job of not thinking of her, but i did an
excellent job of not getting upset. and i think so clearly
when im drunk.

one reason im never getting married, is that i want a baby,
thats a higher priority for me, and i dont want a baby with
someone who doesnt want one as badly as i do...

why would i want a relationship with someone who doesnt
want a relationship as badly as i do?

that. is just stupid.

i love this girl more than anything. my world has been
revolving around her for just less than a year now. and it
started revolving around her just more than a year too
late. and i cant take any more blame for that. i like to
believe i was a different person then. and i really do
love her, i think i probably see more in her and believe in
her more than anyone else ever has. i look at her and all
i feel is overwhelming love, and its like the healthiest
thing ive ever felt. the most selfless and honest thing.
id give her everything and i could change her life, its not
entirely her fault things are so fucked up and shes so
unhappy, and i could make it go away... but the fact is she
doesnt want me to do that. and so i need to realize that i
dont want that either, i want for just once to want
someone as much as they want me and vice versa. it has
never been like that, and thats what i need. im so over
the bullshit games that people play, thats why i dont want
to go out and meet people. its such a process, so fake and
tiresome. but maybe i dont need to be with someone. i
always say, im not meant to be alone, i cant handle being
alone, but thats not the case right now. as ive proven to
myself, its not about being with -someone-. its about
her. if it were about not being alone, being with someone,
i would be. and if it cant be about her, that doesnt mean
it needs to be about someone else.

i see more than i try to. i do think she loves me.
sometimes, i dont, because shes so different from me. but
i think that underneath it, i know she does. i am a easily
disillusioned person, and i could be entirely wrong. and
it may be that she cant trust me ever again, it may be that
she had this thought of being alone and doing this alone
and however stupid that is, she cant let go of that, it may
be that she just enjoys the attention like a normal person
would and cant be blamed for, it could be a lot of things,
and she'll never tell me. she writes these things that say
one thing, acts this way that says another, and says things
that say something altogether different.

but the fact is, ive reached a point where yeah things have
changed as far as im concerned. i see her more than i used
to, the cunt is supposedly leaving, you know, whatever we
have been doing. but its not going where i want it to,
because she doesnt want the same thing. and i just
seriously need to leave it at that. i cant help if i look
at her and want to kiss her and hold her and never let go.
i cant help if i start crying every time she leaves. i
cant help if i dream about her every night and think about
her all day.

but i can say. this is a girl who means the world to me, i
love her very much, i'll never regret her being a part of
my life, but enough is enough. ive lost like all pride and
10 months giving her everything i can and offering her the
rest and she doesnt want it. i need to get it through my

and however hard it is on me, i need to proceed as a
friend. if thats what she needs right now, thats what i'll
try to be. and i think in the back of my mind i will
always think, that someday she'll get it. but im just
afraid it will be too late. because for me, it was.