2004-04-30 05:48:26 (UTC)


I declare myself a loner. Not by the stereotype definition
of a loner, for my lonesomeness is more true. It is that of
instinct, self protection, and self fascination. I wonder
at the world. I glare at it observing. It does not observe
my actions, I observe its. I do alot, I just don’t part
take in the usual actions of mankind as they so call it now
a days.

Why am I writing this? I really can’t tell. I saw KILL BILL
2. Stirred some emotions. Don’t know if it was the movie
that hit me over the edge or the bundle of guys I was
hanging with. It’s cool and all to hang with them all, but
they have their own hachingamabooms that really piss me
off. Especially since I’ve been spending all my time with
them. At first it was cause I had nothing to do and for me
that was unheard of. I always used to work, so a few days
off needed to be taken advantage of. Now that it’s not just
a few days, I’d like to take a few of those days to myself.
Spend some others with the girls, or just not one sex. DnD
will always be with the guys and Ann, but enough is enough.

Tonight Chris kept up a few things that I don’t like about
- the loss of his convertible left him SHOWING “self pitty”
- the amount of his wealth
- him pointing out our losses in manners when he can be
quite a jerk in his own way on many an occasion...
Not to mention some of the phrases he keeps repeating that
piss me off, but for some reason are entertaining to others.
-mother flower
-Ya know?
I pretend I am entertained as well. In truth I’ve heard
them too many times that they just piss me off now. They
are not pleasant with his attitude.
Then Dwight kept burping out loud in the restaurant, and
saying it is oft considered a compliment. Plus his constant
regard to sex in any way, shape, or form.
Eric is alright.
Oscar is an ass. He tries to show off in front of these
guys way too much. Trying to be bad and all. He may beat
people in a fight cause of a weight problem, but damn is he
Unfortunately I have somewhat of a date with him on Friday
cause he has to go to a dinner with a guest Friday night
and I’m the only one he could think of that could fit the
occasion. I figure, shit, it’s not gonna take that long.
We’ve hung out on our own before so it shouldn’t be that
bad. Maybe they’ll sober up from their foolishness By
Friday and Saturday.

I was in the cinema with them all today and I really felt
alone. Normally I see them to get away from such a feeling,
but there it was. Just me and the fools to my right. It
stirred some feelings in me. Disgust, pity, joy, sadness. I
felt even more alone when I glanced at the average couple
over in the left corner. Kinda just wanted someone to be
there to hold my hand. Or something like that. Looked over
to my right and they were still there. Laughing at Pai Mei.

I don’t feel like this when I’m alone. So why do I feel
alone when I am in company? Probably because this way I am
in comparison to others. And I never feel the way that they
feel. I’d like to be more and more locked up in myself.
Maybe more and more a riddle. Basically be locked in
myself. The one place where I can be myself. A true turtle.
I want to be as much myself as I can be. I’m leaning to
that. The guys, their just openings to a new world. One
that I put myself out of reach. I am, and want to be a
loner, but find myself a bit too lonely at times. I reach
out for some type of human compassion, but find myself in
the dirt more often then ever. Never the right guy, always
too many guys that like me, but I not them. Judging by my
eyes finding their way toward the couple in the middle of
such a good movie as KILL BILL 2, depicts that I do just
want someone who understands, and who would ever so often
just be there.

Before I thought that I don’t have time for a boyfriend,
and perhaps I still don’t, or just don’t need one. So I
came to the conclusion that what I really need is a friend
with benefits. Of course for that I’d need someone I’m very
well attracted to, and that is none of these guys. They
don’t even meet my height requirement. I’ve changed my mind
again though. Though I crave physical contact a lot at
times, it is not that important. If I just wanna hug a guy,
or be close to one, I can do that with most any one from
the dnd group. If I want to cuddle, I can easily do that
with Chris without being disgusted. (He does smell really
bad some nights. I can stand it though.) For now I’d like
to have a person I can just sit in silence with. Like in
that book by Agatha Christie, with the murder in the times
of the pharaohs. There was this one woman who would sit by
this one tomb. Eventually this friend of the family would
come by. He would work on the tomb as was his job and sit
near her afterwards. They would oft just sit there in
silence. In the end she was to pick between two people to
marry, this guy, and a much better looking, more masculine,
also nice fellow. She chose this guy, and I wouldn’t blame

That’s the kind of loner that I wanna be. Doing my own
thing. Not spending time on pointless communication. Unless
of course it is to brighten my day with stupidity as the
circumstance often is. I read my runes again. No question
did I ask, but an answer I received. The runes knew what
was on my mind and led me in the direction of the
individual. As usual. They said that a relationship could
be at hand, but to remember that relationships are made of
two seprate halves coming together. Basically, this is the
answer I knew, this is the answer I get all the time when
it comes to “love.” Know thyself, be thyself, before
emerging with other selves. It would be a pity to lose the
self out of blindness.

Now the only thing really to do about this is to act on it.
Yes I do have a guy in mind. I’ve been thinking more and
more wether we would be two seprate halves that would go
well together. Come to think of it, perhaps in those silent
relationships yes, or in those deep conversation types.
Maybe it’s just me meeting a new person. I would just like
to sit somewhere dark and somewhat private to discuss stuff
with the other person. Mainly to just better understand
them, how they view the world. Open my eyes to a new view
as well. That’s what gets me. That is what I like to do the
most. Either:
A) everything through nothing. No speech, but a connection
B) deep converse

Sometimes I wish that instead of playing video games or
heck, even dnd, when we are almost all there and we are
just sitting there at Eric’s, eating food, talking, that
those conversations would move over to a cafe, hookah bar
or something more personal like that, and we would just
talk all night. I’d love it. I had one of those continuing
deep convo’s with Steph that one night. They guys aren’t in
to this type of stuff though. Maybe one of them is?

What I’m leading to is, I’m hoping to get some more time
with the guys just talking. Getting to know one guy in
particular. Just to see if he is what I think he may be.
And if he is a half that I can connect with.

Enough now.