2004-04-29 17:15:07 (UTC)


different dreams of different ones in different nights but
it's similar....

-last week, i dreamt of Pat just being near him...

-3 Days ago, I dreamt of Tom. He had cut his finger and
ran up to me to show me and i reached for it to see it
more closely but we ended out reaching out both of our
hands and just holding them there (Which i think has
something to do with me seeing 13 going on 30 b/c it was
very similar to that moment minus me thinking he was some
other guy at the time..it will make sense if you've seen

-two nights ago i dreamt of the rarely written of one that
seems to find his way in even though he wasn't invited.
I was at some kind of camp with my friends
(including him) and he and I went upstairs b/c we were
both tired and in a very unsexual sleepover-party way, we
were both sitting on this big bed talking and goofing off
and at one point we are both laying there and i am
laughing and turn away for him and in an "oh no u dont"
kind of way he reaches out and wraps his arms around me
and i am laughing so hard like hahahaletmego! but it's all
in good manners and good fun...

and dreams like this are very nice while one is sleeping
but dangerous when they transfer into reality so that the
person that is in front of you becomes the person of your
dreams and you believe in a world of fantasy and not truth
and will most likely end up therefore becoming attached to
this illusion and somehow scaring the person.

I realize that most of us have the occasional dream like
that (it sounds so dirty when i say that. honestly, there
wasn't even kissing in them. just a feeling of
connection..which is what is most important anyways
because you can kiss a wall you know? there's gotta be
something behind that) but anyways. Lets make a pact,
invisible diary readers and I, to not confuse the real
person in front of us that stuck out to us enough to enter
our dreams in the first place, so they probably have
potential, to the person in those dreams who has crossed
the line of having potential and revealed their connected

whatever. I don't know what I am saying.

It made me sad last night when Pat stared at me the way he
did in that way that always makes me jealous when he does
that to other girls and when he held the door for me or
reached out to me as I walked by.. it made me sad because
any time in the past when I have been interested in him
and put my hopes in him, then nothing has come of it and
is it because he just enjoys flirting and does not truly
see me like that? or is it because we are both lacking the
courage to put ourselves up for rejection. I think it's
somewhere in between.

so while I still have moments every couple of minutes
where I am like, wouldn't it be nice if.....
I ...I really dont know what I am saying.

I realize that currently no one (well. except for that one
two days ago that I dont have feelings for but a class
with so now it's weird..) is asking me out on any kind of
date or being open about feelings for me, so while it is
somewhat inescapable to want something, it is important
not to dwell on it to the point of missing out on other
things. So do the things that you enjoy, because
eventually someone will come along, and wouldn't it be so
much better if they were initially attracted to truly YOU
enjoying well.. what YOU truly enjoy...

so.. what did I just say?
hope it brought a little clarity into your invisible diary
reading day.
(that was not a cut down. i was just trying to tie in
before what i had said.. agh forget. NOW GO DO SOMETHING