2004-04-29 02:23:02 (UTC)

old old stuf.

this is NOT part of the fucking plan, but. i was going
through some old old stuf. like goin on 3 years ago old.

september 2001.


'i dont want to be like her, "oh im so in love" with no
time or reason to justify my feelings and i dont want to be
a whore, i dont want to want everyone, i only want to want
you, i want you to only want me, and i dont want to be so
far away, is five years too far, and i dont want to get
myself into fucked up situations, but...
no one listens to me, i dont think anyone has before,
and no one SEES me, i dont think anyone has before,
and you dont call anyone,
and you dont write about anyone,
and i dont fall in love with the good ones,
and i dont not change my mind if they fall too,
and i dont fall in love with the beautiful ones,
and i dont not change my mind if they fall too,
when they start calling me, and writing about me,
and i dont not get bored
and i dont ever care if its about more than sex,
i dont ever have the selfcontrol cus i dont ever really
give a shit
and i dont ever give a shit what they put in their body
or whats swimming in their mind
and i dont ever want to listen.
i dont ever want to give more than i want to take.'

november 2001

"She's not thinking about you." Well then I dont know cus
I think a lot of her, and I feel better to be around her,
and I am obviously useless to her. I want to hold hands
and she doesnt and well, what am I doing, cus i need
MUTUAL, and its apparently NOT, its apparently me caring
and me talking and me sharing and me wanting to be close
and she is just 'whatever' her favorite word and then when
i bring it up because its making me feel bad its just 'well
im not good with this i told you' and thats it and thats
all and im not sure how i feel about this all cus its not
going where i want it to, its not going to be what i need,
like maybe i was wrong cus i REALLY thought it was and its
she keeps saying, "Maybe she'll be cute and show up." but
you wont.

i fucking remember that like yesterday, we were at the
waffle house, and she was out, i dont know whateverthefuck
smoking drinking fucking diana, and i was so upset because
i just wanted to be with her, and ashley said, "SHES not
thinking about YOU.".......... it sure does take me awhile
to GET things.

and later on,

"this will have to be one of the ones no one can read. i
dont understand. as mad or sad as i feel to hear it, i can
understand her not wanting or trusting to get too
involved. but it sucks, i want perfect, and if its not
from one person, even if shes more important personally,
its like i dont care. but i do. like, i will kick it to
richard cus i know i can. i will enjoy other people liking
me and i will go for anything i see working out. even
though i only LIKE one, i need to feel wanted, i need it,
and i dont."

"you dont really want me. how do i fucking deal with
that. oh god. can i deal with the fact that you have
become everything to me, and i am nothing to you. they are
all more important to you. your fucking freedom. i
fucking hate you for making me believe you and then