u think u kno...but u have no idea
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2004-04-22 20:27:56 (UTC)

unfair (mad long! hope u got sum free time 4 this one)

if there is such thing as a sister jelousy depression
syndrome, i've definatly got it. i know, its pathetic but
when u look at it, she truly is the favorite. everything
she wants she gets. shes also going to grow up and be so
secure with herself......wen i was her age, i was lucky if
i stayed in the same school system for 2 years. as soon as
we got settled somewhere, we would go back to packing
right back up and going somewhere else, and all the
relationships i had built and everything i had gotten to
know and make my own was taken, as a kid, i didnt get it.
that is what taughtt me never to get too close to
something. never to depend on anyone but myself, that it
didnt matter how bad you loved something cuz in the end
all that would happen is it would be taken away. with
monica, manchester is all she has ever known. shes so
lucky that she dosent remember deleware, or derry or salem
or anywhere else. you know those life long friends that
people have? the ones that have known eachother sence the
second grade? shes going to grow up with tons of them. the
closest i had ever had to that was vanessa in 3rd grade
when we were at salem....guess what...we moved away. i've
always, sence i was as young as 5, wanted that one friend
that i would tell anyhting to, who i could trust with my
life, who i could truly say was my one best friend and my
shoulder to lean on forever....i have yet to find them.
wen i was a little kid i was "the new girl" in school for
5 years in a row. that does alot to a kid, of course the
first thing to go through ur mind is will they like me?
what if im not good enough? how can i make myself
better?....... hence why im a perfectionist, alwayse
seeming to please everyone else before i sit down and get
around to myself. sure it makes me pretty nice cuz ill
bend over backwards for anyone no matter what but it all
gets kinda old. i dont realy know what my point is in
writing this, i guess i've just kinda been trying to
figure myself out.
HA! my dad...the biggest jerk of all time. he calls the
house and the first person he talks to is monica and its
like "hellow sweetie how was your day? you did all your
homework? good! wow u got a B in social studies! great job
sweetheart! how bout we go out for ice cream later on?
sure, of course u can go over jordans house, ok bye!"
and then he talkes to me and its "so u done with your
homework yet? are u going to do extra? well before u eat
you should be studying more, i know ur already a section
ahead of the class but imagine how better off you would be
if u were a chapter ahead? you can review your spanish too
before you go to bed oh and i left out sum hot dogs and
chili and beans for you to cook tonight could you get them
done for your mother before she gets home? what do u mean
can u go over ellens house, ellen who? why do u need to go
over there? no, the answers no, u should have alot more
work done by now, and ur room is a disaster area, what'd u
get on ur civics test a 102, oh, nice job but thats jus
cuz u like the class" my mother in a sence, is almost
worse. together, nothing i ever can do for them is enough,
so whats the diference in improving? and they'll say
something like "if u want to do more things u
should....bring ur grades up, help around the house more,
make "better decisions" or something like that, but if i
did do any of those its not like anything would change,
they'd have excuses like "i just got home from work i cant
take u there and i dont want u riding in a car with them"
or "no, i want us to go up north this weekend" ot "nope i
think im guna have a cleaning day saturday, and then
sunday im going out with my friends from work to get a
drink and wont b bak till 11pm" so i learned not to ever
look forward to anything, so i dont. i duno, sometimes i
just get so overwhelmed with myself that i want to fall
apart and break down and cry like a little kid, and yell
for someone to come tuck me in and hold me and tell me
that it will all be alright...but all i can do is smile
and say "im fine" fine