forever

I Love you Cliff, forever
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2004-04-22 10:19:59 (UTC)

22nd April 2004

I'm still sad and completly broken hearted. It is not
possible, to forget you. I can't, i can't. Everything
reminds me at you. Everything what i see, feel, hear, try
to eat or drink, everything hurts, cause i think of you.
Yesterday i cried at cam, cause some say, i would look
pretty and sexy. But i don't believe it anymore, it's not
true what men say. They always use you and then you get
kicked ass, if it depends on true love. Men are cowardly,
chickens ! They lie and use you, make you trust them, say,
what you might like to hear, later they say: I never did
love you. I never wanted to see you. I never said this and
never made that.

I am so stupid, blind and naiv. But i also thank you, that
you opened my eyes about men's world. And i thank you for
every excited hot second in my last 2 years and 8 Month in
love with you. And every thought and dream, and every day
of creativity, which you brought back to me. Can't forget
ya, guy. Still love you !

14:33 Uhr
I miss you so, i don't know what to do, to keep me away
from thinking of you always. Every second from 24 hours i
think of you, Cliff ! Help me ! I think, in my sorrow and
pain of losing you, i became another "person" inside of
me. It seems, there are 2 persons in me. One is really mad,
angry and want hurt you, same way like you do to me. The
other one, which you already know, is me, the one that
loves you and never could lie to you or hurt you with
knowing of it ! But loving Tanja is stronger, she can bind
the other one for long time, push her back, keep her away
from you. She is evil. She would kill you in pain and
finally herself (and me). Wew, hard to swollow. And this 2
person thing isn't very funny. Example: I think of you all
time, why you don't believe me, that i will always love,
that i forgive you everything, that i will wait, and one
second only, later, she let me think: men are all bad.
Never trust a man again. Cliff isn't worth a piece of shit.
And i say: STOP! Don't talk so of him ! You don't have the
right to do that ! He is my one ! My love ! Shut up and
leave ! It's not true what you said, it's not true that he
doesn't love me, it's not true ... and Tear's Are Falling.

I went through my appartment, singing quietly: A World
Without Heroes, is like a bird without wings, or a bell
that never rings, without heroes, and: cried. Why don't you
let me love you ? Why do you fear my love ? What have i
done, that you start beeing so rough to me, for all what i
ever did to you !? Why Cliff ? Why ? I love you, and you
won't change it with your mind. You say i don't love you, i
say i do. I know what i feel and i have a heart and a soul.
And evil T say: he has no heart. Cliff is like ice. His
heart was made from stone. He doesn't see, what he throws
away ! I agree, Cliff will never find a woman again, which
loves him so much and strong like i do. He could be
murderer, or anything else, he could have no home and sleep
on street, and i would still love him and give him my hand
and heart, to hold on me and save him. Yeah ! So it is, and
so it was written !


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