2004-04-22 05:36:07 (UTC)

your crazy aunt

so i havent written in here in awhiles apparently.

so i cried at yoga today. during the "hip openers" and the
teacher always tells me that i have very open hips. right
after i got teary eyed, she told the class that "hip
openers can be frustrating because you hold alot of emotion
in your hips" so i asked her after class what that meant,
and she asked me what i felt when doing the hip opener, and
i told her i got all teary eyed, she said thats very
common. so, i wonder, is that a connection ? men dont have
hips, and dont have the same emotional level as women.

i wanted to run over this jewish guy in the middle of the
street, bash my car into every other car, earlier in the
evening. then spent a couple hours at the gym. all that
drained away.

i cried a bit picking maya up at hunter before yoga. that
drive across the queensboro bridge just gets me every time,
that view of the city, midtown right in front of you,
driving across the water, right into it. and when i rounded
the curve and the city popped up right in front of me, i
got all teary eyed cause this was a view i very much wanted
marco to see. and i cursed myself for not showing him. and
he is one of the big reasons ive been so emotional lately.
his time here with me was so confusing. i told him, that
during the time he spent here, i must have felt the whole
range of human emotions from one extreme to the other.
intense, dear, compassionate love to intense repulsion.
sometimes i just hated him, i couldnt stand the sight of
him. sometimes i just wanted to squeeze him so tight and
never let him go. and now i just cant believe he is gone.
it does feel like its over, whatever it was.

i am very conscious of the feeling , that i want to be
loved, and to be desired. sounds human doesnt it? only im
not used to this. i want it, and feel like i deserve it. i
want guys to look at me on the street, and sinse ive been
going to the gym, i look better and feel better and that
must shine through.
but i want love. i want someone to SEE me. and i dont want
to lose marco cause i feel like he can see me. and i feel
like he knows me. and he loves me. and i need that.

maybe thats why ive kept in contact with chris for all this
time. cause i feel like he knows me, sees me, understands
me, all that, and is attracted to whatever i am somehow,
just how marco is. and i like knowing that.

but how do I feel? i feel like chris is a loser. i deserve
much better. i refuse to be one of those girls. that stoops
that low, to date again an ex who was such a lying cheating
alcoholic bastard. but i still have feelings for him. why?
its not just the way he sees and says he feels about me.
cause i know that might all be illusionary on my part,
given his track record. but i like his innocence. i like
how he is so fucked up. so smart. so Smart. brilliant
really. like a litte boy. an idiot savant. i like his
seemingly endless pool of potential that he chooses to not
tap into. i love his strengths, and his weaknesses, and all
the things he cant help. even after all of the shit, i
still very much have feelings for him. but it is my choice,
that i do not want that life- the kind of life i would have
to live if it was lived with him. i know he thinks about
marrying me. i wonder, how realistic is that? could that
really happen? honestly, i dont think it would, or could. i
do think tho, ill always feel this way.

which sucks

just like with marco. why cant it work? there are a billion
reasons. ones we always knew, and ones we grew to realize.
but it still makes me so sad to think that i wont be the
one who gets to have him. he can be a handful, and yes, a
burden, but he is worth all of it. and i pray to G-d that
one day SOON he will meet a girl who brings out the good in
him, can handle him better than i can, and make him happy.
and i want him to accept her love for the rest of his life,
but i dont want him to forget me. i need for him to be my
friend for the rest of MY life. i know that. i just cant
lose him, in the same way i just cant lose all my best

its hard for me to even write this.

ive been ESPECIALLY emotional. i attribute this to 1) i
bypassed my period with birth control this past month, so
that MUST have done something to my hormones, but i just
needed to have steady sex for the time marco was here, cant
have a bloody vagina getting in the way

and 2) the season change. the SUDDEN season change. seems
like you can almost breathe in summer. it jolts me, throws
me off, every time. so the combination of these factors- my
jumbled and haywire emotions that i dont understand, the
period thing, and the season change, will explain things
like why i am at the gym on the elliptical machine,
watching Braveheart or a Yankeeography and crying. and
yes, i cried during yoga today, but all that means, like
the teacher said, is that "progress is being made." it
doesnt mean im on the road to being the crazy aunt that
mike says i will be for his children. im just feeling, and
being, and trying my best