confessions of a never ceasing mind
2004-04-22 03:51:10 (UTC)


your touch makes me feel alive, burning deeply inside, only
to have you pull away, making me feel empty and
cold....dead inside, numb and heartbroken, tired an worn
I scream into the darkness eternal, the night unfading, the
abyss so cold.....

I lie awake at night, waiting for you, waiting for
something that is not nor will ever be.
I see the gray light of dawn's breaking, filtering through
the blinds, white blades of light, slicing through the
darkness that surrounds me...
my tears have dried upon my face, long streaks of saltine
pain, my heart's overflow, evidence of the silent pain that
I hide inside of me
pain that is a stir of past regret, a reminder of past
scars that I can trace in my mind upon my heart, a reminder
of the many times that I have been the fool of love
the times that I reached to you, wished you were there,
wished you would comfort, only to feel the coldness of your
back, leaving me alone

I dream of death, dream of pain, dream of vision going from
black to red and back, black then red, black then red, like
a strobe light with a bad bulb, the black lasting longer
each cycle, the black so warm so comforting, death
beckoning a promise of a release from all pain and care...
I am released, the light so piercing, the air being sucked
into my lungs, the air burnining my throat, hurting it,
feeling as though one had taken nails to the sensitive
flesh of the inside of my throat, my eyes tear, the liquid
flowing over my cheeks tracing my facial contours, pooling
at the hollow at the base of my throat. I feel as helpless
as a child, on my hands and knees, so very open so exposed,
but unable to move....the air needed to be in the lungs
like acid to me, the copper taste of blood on my tongue.
I crawl away, waiting for it all to end, for the blackness
of death to surround me,..........I awake to the sound of
my screams into the empty night.

reminders of my past pain, the past that I try to
desperatly to hide, the past that I seek to erase for my
own peace of mind. Yet you got so close, let me believe,
made me hope that happiness was possible....then only to
pull away, teh pain to add yet one more scar to my tender
heart, so I lock it away, take it for from reach.....never
again to allow anyone inside