Jan's Life
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2004-04-21 01:27:38 (UTC)

Been awhile...

It's been awhile, and things have definately changed. Of
course tyler is still in the back of my head, but also
have alot of other things. Julie's gettin pregnant, and
married, I still have no boyfriend, nor have I done
anything with any guy... I dont know where to start.... I
just feel out of place.. sometimes I feel sorry for
myself, other times I just think I'm crazy. lol... but I
think not having a father figure really has alot to do
with it. No one realizes what I have to live with... My
dad is an alcoholic... it sucks to see your dad slowly
killing himself, going crazy and knowing everyone will
find out whether you tell them or not, so I decide to make
a joke out of it all even though deep inside, I'm
furious. How can he be so selfish to do this to his
family... to me. Maybe I'm the selfish one... but how can
you tell and how do you change. I keep blaming him for my
insecurities like my communication with guys. Why can't I
talk to them, why don't I feel comfortable when I'm with
them. Even though I want so much to just be close with a
guy, I'm so scared when I get the oppurtunity. Like!...
the other day kavan took me up in the balcony of the
school theatre and led me back to the back of it. Then he
laid on the couch and kindda sat there like he wanted to
make out... and I might've, but I was so scared, and
stupid. It's stupid.. i'm stupid... Oh yeah.. and the
whole damian thing... I liked him, i really did... but I
guess I was just afraid to get attached. I hate getting
hurt. and I always play games.. I play hard to get, then
they go away and I wonder why. then damian started goin
out with kara... and they're happy and they have
everything I wanted. Im so stupid... Another thing I
blame is Amy... not blame her, more blame the
circumstances she unpurposly put me in. Don't get me
wrong, I loved her... but all through my childhood I had
to watch her die... I remember when it all started... or
should I say ended... I was too young to remember when
they found out about her illness... all I knew was I was
seeing alot less of my mom, and was stuck with my dad...
and my sisters. Julie was like my mom... then I became
older, and definately more shy. I can't open up to
anyone, maybe because nobody opened up to me and told me
how they were feeling... everyone just pretended Amy was
fine.. and would live happily for a long time. But we all
knew that wasn't the case... She was getting worse. So we
decided to move to Indiana. I didn't want to go.. things
were fine in VA... I had alot of friends and felt
confident. Who knows what I would be like now if I had
stayed. So here I was, in a new town and shy me was
forced to meet new people. At night at my old house I
would hear Amy coughing... she was like a vegetable..
could hardly communicate. I wanted so much to tell her i
loved her, just one last time... or maybe for the first
time. But no, not me... I can never tell anyone what I'm
feeling. Now she's dead, and she has no idea how much I
loved her. I just want to move on in my life... forget
all those things that have brought my insecurities... I
want to be nice to everyone, not necessarily popular, but
just have alot of friends and make peoples lives better.
i think alot of people think I'm a bitch because Im so
quiet... but I think people who get to know me will find
I'm really caring. Maybe a little jealous sometimes, but
overall nice. I just want somoene to talk to... sure I
have my friends, but the opposite sex is so much easier to
talk to. I want to be able to go shopping with them, lay
down on the couch and watch a movie.... just do normal
things. I want to be normal! Whats wrong with me!!!!!! I
swear... I'm gonna try to change... and I'll let ya know
how my life is goin a lil later. Ahhhhh i feel so much