Codesmith

Life, Or Something Like It
2004-04-20 21:29:33 (UTC)

Confusion ... Movement

It's 455pm. It dropped to 45 degrees fahrenheit today. My
wearing of a hoodie was justified. Other than that, the
sun seems to have been able to find a way through the
light overcast sky.

The more I ponder about my self imposed abstinence the
more I realize how irrational I have been. For one, ...
writing back here has been rather irrational and perhaps
against my original mandate. On the other hand ... if I
don't write here ... then I am still put into another
irrational position. It seems that no matter what I do,
things are going against me.

I did recognize something to that effect earlier, ... but
I fail to see it as clearly as I was able to last time.

There are alot of the things I would like to talk
about, ... but I've come to the conclusion, that in all
aspects ... every path I take has a somewhat equal
outcome.

I remember this one time where I theorized that if life
was a system of functions unimaginable or
incomprehensible, ... there should be at one point where
all the functions force one person to only follow one
path. A sort of ... unique solution for a system of
equations sort of deal. It seems ... I might have run into
such an occurence with my plans. That is to say ... If I
do go on my self imposed abstinence ... I am damned. And
If I do not ... I am still damned in the same way.

I guess this is where a pessimistic fatalist would offer
me advice on my predicament. They would probably say, that
since we will all die anyway, ... there is little to
achieve in our attempts to circumvent or to make choices
in our actions. That the cosmic passing of time, as it
marches on, with or without us ... going on for
eternity ... our actions reach the limit of zero. That
is, ... we mean nothing.

To that I would say ... You never reach zero. You're just
rounding down. In a weird way though, they are right in
their assessment ... but like a philosopher once said ...
people run the risk of being damned to hell, for their
short actions on earth. Yet people on earth who sacrifice
their lives for the pursuit of God, ... are rewarded for
eternity in Heaven. It's an infinite gain.

I suppose in a way that reasoning makes sense.

But there is something lacking in it. Something I can't
quite put my finger on.

I'm unsure of whether to modify my plan or not. I suppose
as I type here ... I am modifying my plan. My
conversations last night with a few people have left
me ... uncertain of my plans. It seems there are people
who care for me more than I realize.

... and as I sit here ... I begin to see things for what
they are.

But that is kind of the problem as well. The things I can
see, predict, feel, ... things that could happen. Most
likely to happen. ... they never tell me what I should do.
That one is always left up to me.

There is something I keep failing to learn as time goes
on. I keep failing to learn one crucial lesson. Whether I
am indeed as slow a learner as I said once, or if I have
some good reason for not following that one lesson ... I
am not quite sure. But I think now is as good as time as
any to start.




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