polyester bride

The Blue of my Oblivion
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2004-04-19 23:57:46 (UTC)


the past two weeks have left me suffering, i'm losing faith
in just about everything. i spent a week away, a vacay
that i thought would give me a chance to relax and find
myself again. that's how it went when i left for a month
during the summer. nothing changed. i am still the horrible
person i was when i left, but worse.

my grades have slipped again. i've gone from a's to c's.
i'm such a dumb bitch. i'm so pathetic. i can't even begin
to describe this feeling.

when i was feeling like crap and wanted to take the Cobain
way out, i always said well at least i have him. and now
i've lost him too. we're falling apart. i don't know what
happened to us. we're totally different people. we've
always been different people, but got along so well. it's
now becoming more obvious. i can put up with it, it is a
curse of mine that i can easily put up with people and
bottle up whatever was going on. sometimes though, i do
wish i was with a guy more like me. i love dark guys, tall
and in all black, especially musicians and writers. he and
i, we don't listen to the same music, read the same books,
watch the same movies, dress even remotely the same, and
all that jazz. all that crap, it doesn't even matter to me.
i love him because he's good to me, he's funny, he's very
smart, he makes me feel good about myself, i can have a
really good time with him, and he respects me as a person.
what the fuck do i care about the movies we watch, the
clothes we wear, the music we listen to? granted, music is
a huge part of my life and i would be dead without my
music, but it's not like he's taking it away from me.
unbroken things are not meant to be fixed. no one is
perfect. some are just more so than others, right?

i feel like a dork though. we're not even coming up with
the same opinions anymore. we don't even talk it out either.

me(5:30:30 PM): it would suck to live forever
him(5:30:40 PM): nay no in my opinion
me(5:31:00 PM): well
me(5:31:05 PM): i'm not afraid of death
me(5:31:12 PM): i'm more afraid of the unlived life
him(5:31:44 PM): im not afraid of nothing
like that
me(5:34:04 PM): ah
me(5:36:52 PM): you wouldn't get tired of life?
him(5:37:14 PM): no
me(5:38:26 PM): oh
him(5:39:05 PM): i saw the alamo
me(5:39:36 PM): i know
him(5:39:58 PM): oh
him(5:40:00 PM): i didnt know that
me(5:41:40 PM): i listen
him(5:42:39 PM): who did i tell
him(5:42:40 PM): u
him(5:42:42 PM): or someone else
me(5:42:45 PM): me
him(5:42:47 PM): i cant think straight anymore
me(5:45:00 PM): why
him(5:45:55 PM): i dunnno
him(5:46:00 PM): im so tired nowadays
him(5:46:02 PM): and like
him(5:46:03 PM): bored
him(5:46:05 PM): with everything
me(5:46:36 PM): everything?
him(5:46:45 PM): aye
me(5:47:17 PM): oh
he is away at 5:49:17 PM.

do we notice that all i'm saying is, "oh" "i know" etc. not
to mention he's getting bored...with everything...

everything? yes, everything. even me.


i'm faded and jaded as they say. i've completely given up.
i'm not going to fight it. watch as everything
deteriorates. i'm tired of feeling this way. i'm tired of
overwhelming emotion. dammit.

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